Charles the Cheapskate

I am so proud of myself. I have become progressively cheaper with age. That's great because I am going to be dirt ass po' in a couple of months(college). See, I visited Pro-Cuts today. It was the first time I have ever been in a non-private, inexpensive, hair salon since...birth, actually.

Saving has always been something that I have been good at. When I was younger and received an allowance, I would save it till I had $100 and then would get all excited over putting it in my savings account. Ever since I started working at age 16 I have become a royal cheap ass. When it is your own money you are a lot more protective over it. I go grocery shopping and only get the off-brands. I just don't understand why someone would pay $2 more for the same product. Believe me, I do compare ingredients, the stuff is the same. So when it came time to get a hair cut I didn't feel the need to go to my expensive, New York trained hair stylist, because I just needed a trim. I have been growing my hair long so it is not necessary to spend $30 for the edges to get cut. Therefore, I took a risk and went to Pro-Cuts for a $9.95 trim. It actually turned out okay, however one can't really screw up a trim. I think it is good that I am doing cheaper things; you feel better afterward because you haven't wasted money.

Big bucks will always be spent on certain materials in my life though. I have to have the expensive shoes, jeans, and a regular CD fix. The expensive shoe of choice is of course the Birkenstock. I feel Birks are more of an investment. They last for years and you can always get new soles and cork bottoms put in for a low price. The jeans have to be Lucky. Sure they are $80 but frankly no other jean fits me right. Trust me, I have tried to find a cheaper brand but it is impossible. Those last for a long time as well and I only buy a new pair of jeans every 2 years or so anyway. The CD thing, yeah that is an addiction. I get a new CD, over listen to it, kill it, then buy a new one. It's a never-ending cycle. Yet, the new music store in town is making my addiction less of a problem. Mr. Cheapo's has CD's for $3, so I can load up and only spend the price I would have paid for one CD. Yea for that!

Pin-up Girls

I have a new love for vintage pin-up girls. They are so classically sexy.

Ahh, smoke

I still feel like shit from my mother's comment. I have even been smoking for the past three days. Usually I don't smoke unless I am drinking. The taste a cigarette leaves in your mouth is disgusting, yet when I feel like shit it's better than cookies.

After yoga this morning I took a shower and then laid on my bed. About 2 minutes after that, my father tells me to turn my music down so we can talk. He can see me on my bed covered with a blanket (I'm naked underneath) from down the stairs. I tell him "okay," then he screams like a wild serial killer,"I SAID turn it OFF!!!" I tell him,"Then go away so I can put clothes on to do it." Next he goes on this rant about how I should have already been dressed. Stupid Fucker thought I was just waking up for the day. I haven't gotten up at noon in about a year. I throw clothes on, turn the music off, and go downstairs because we are apparently going to talk. I sit in a chair and wait. He just starts to prepare his lunch and sits down to eat. I thought the Bastard wanted to talk...guess not. I return to my bedroom. Later he actually apologizes for yelling. That was a shocker. I felt like telling him, "Yeah, now apologize for being a shitty father, you bastard."

My mother told me she wanted to talk to me before I went to yoga this morning. When I got home from yoga she was gone, much to my relief. I am scared to talk. What does she want to talk about...how living in this house is driving me insane and turning me into a nicotine addict?! Whatever, she called a minute ago; I guess she is coming home.

Great, now I want another cigarette.

Cut Off

So my mother gets me up this morning an hour before I had planned to wake up. As everyone but my mother knows, that is my biggest pet peave (sp?). Nothing else will make me as angry and pissy as that. However, I know if I speak in such situation I am likely to say something I will regret...so I don't talk, I just unload the dishwasher like she asked. Then she tells me, "You know, if you keep ignoring your father you are going to be cut off." I say, "That's funny, I thought I already was." Then I go back to bed.

I wake up again, in a terrible mood and my mood worsens while at work. The mood worsens because I am pondering what my mother said to me. What does she mean? Do I have to play nice to my father so I can live in this house for another 2 months? Is this his threat or hers? I know he isn't going to drop a dime towards my education, but is she backing out as well just because the man has heard maybe 5 words out of my mouth for the past week? Why the fuck am I being punished in this situation!? He's the adult, I am the child here, yet I am the one expected build a relationship that hasn't existed since I was born. Fuck that! All I do is not talk, because everytime I do say anything he makes me feel like shit. I am sick of putting up with that. And now I feel like my mother is turning on me as well, even if she is just passing his message along. If he is pissed that I am not speaking to him, maybe he should say something to me about it. Threatening to cut me off only makes the problem worse, it only makes me hate him more, which is why I don't speak to him in the first place. Or is he just too stupid to comprehend how that links?

About a year ago he actually told my mother that he wanted to leave us. Keyword 'us' not just 'her.' The only reason he didn't go is because he couldn't afford it. How pathetic is that? I wish he would have gone. I don't want him in my life. As a matter of fact I don't even want him to pay for college because I don't want to know that he helped me get my degree. I don't want him in my future kid's lives either.

What I hate even more than him is that we are a lot alike. We are both stubborn, sarcastic, pessimistic, and have a hard time showing emotion towards others. The big difference however, is that I have worked on the last one. I actually have the ability to express that I care about someone unlike his heartless fucked-up self. I never want to treat my children like he has treated me. My kids are going to know everyday of their lives that I love them.

I am so upset that I am in this hole of emotion where I can't even cry about it. I want to cry, crying makes me feel better, but it just won't happen.

Nothing

Mother and her friend S, are working on wedding corsages at the moment. Another friend of hers and my sister will be coming over soon for lunch and to help make more wedding stuff. I love when people come over because then the house is clean and I am not the one to have to do it. It's so great.

Work has slowly become more fun. I have made friends with a lot of my co-workers so I have people to talk to instead of having to sit quietly in my lonesome cage dubbed the Sears Cashwrap.

I don't have much to say today; nothing has been going on. However,I am excited I get to attend a kickboxing class today at the gym. I haven't been in about 2 weeks thanks to work. It's fun to pretend you are kicking some bitch's ass. So Yea for that!

Talk with Mom & the Parents

My best friend C's mother is a lesbian. I myself being of the questionable nature, have really wanted to talk with her about it. I wanted to know when she first knew she was a lesbian and what made it click in her head--- that "oh I'm gay" lightbulb. It took some ovaries to get up the nerve to ask because I was afraid that she would be offended by my asking. We (mom and I) were both on the couch at C's house while watching Blue Collar Comedy ---which I hate by the way because rednecks do not need to be supported. Jeff Foxworthy started randomly talking about gay men, what about I am not sure because I was pondering my question, and I thought "Hey here is the link into my gay inquiry!" Since you can't just pop up and ask questions, there needs to be a link from something or it sounds like it is something you have been thinking about for a long time---which I have, but didn't want it to sound that way.

I said (in a meek tone), "Mom, may I ask you a personal question?" She nodded. "When did you first know and how did it click in your head that you were a lesbian?" She then started answering very calmly to me like my question was no big deal.

It was very comforting to be able to talk with an adult about a personal topic and not receive a weird response. She told me that she felt she was in high school but didn't go into it because it was looked down upon by her parents. She said she was sure about it at the end of her marriage though it had nothing to do with her divorce. Then she asked me,"Do you think you are gay?" I told her I didn't know. Finally she told me basically what I wanted to hear from a lesbian,"Have fun with it and just experience things. There is no need to rush into trying to figure it out."

I love that I have someone like Mom in my life. There is no other person I would have been able to ask that. Sure I have loads of gay male friends but women and men are different. In lots of stories I have read by gay men and lesbians it seems that most of the time men find out they are homosexual at a very early age, women seem to figure it out in their late teens or even twenties---therefore I needed to ask a lesbian my question.

Then...

I go to my house with C to watch The L Word. We only get Showtime on the TV downstairs thanks to me switching the cable packages while the parents were on a cruise. So I had to kick the parents out of the living room to the guest room upstairs with the smaller TV. They happened to be watching Blue Collar Comedy as well and were unhappy about having to move even though Comedy Central is an available channel on the upstairs TV. As they arose from the couch my mother says very judgementally, "We just want you to know that we don't approve of that show." My father says,"And I want you to switch the packages back to HBO as soon as possible." I say,"I will switch it back as soon as The L Word season is over." He responds in a mean tone,"Then maybe I'll have to do it myself." They walked upstairs together.

I was seriously offended by their comments. They were insulting the show but seemed to be putting down myself as well. It was like, "We know you might be a lesbian and we want you to know we don't approve and this is how we will act if you are gay--rude and distant." The comments and their tone nearly ruined watching the show for me, which is difficult because it is the only thing I look forward to every week. Now that I am writing about it, it still upsets me. C was insulted by it as well. I don't understand their need to be assholes.

Roxy

My sister's dog Roxy is visiting this weekend. I hate that beast of an animal. She's just like, "I am gonna run amok and act crazy ALL the TIME! I am gonna fuck up your house and jump on everything!!!" That is of course if she could talk. Matters are made worse by the fact that she is a Weimaraner. Weimaraners are huge. We have our own dog in the house as well. My dog Penney is the perfect Boston Terrier. She is small, obedient, fun, and hates that bitch dog even more than I do. Roxy always wants to play with Penney and as soon as Roxy gets close, Penney snaps at her neck.

Penney, I salute you!

30 year old Women

I have realized I have an admiration for women in their thirties. My favourite person and friend R is 37. I love her. She is the best to talk with because she still has a young spirit, yet has a huge knowledge of the world. I don't consider people to be adults until they have reached their 30's. Most humans are settled down finally when they reach that age, but they aren't far enough away from their party days to become old fogies just yet. Women tend to look their best when they are 30. It is the peak of the aging process before everything starts to sag. My yoga instructor K, is 35. Our yoga class isn't the typical meditative hour that is most yoga classes. Our yoga class is filled with conversation between the 30-ish aged attendees and myself the 17 year old. It is such a joy for me to talk with these women because I aspire to be like them in so many ways. I think 30 year old women are the perfect mentors for young persons like myself, since they aren't in that 40's motherly stage. People my age don't want extra parents, they want a friend who knows everything they don't and is willing to share that wisdom--a 30 year old woman.

Stupid Menthols

I just got back from a party. My throat hurts from this stupid menthol cigarette. Menthols definately taste better than your regular Marlboro or Camel, but damn do they make your throat hurt.

I saw this girl I used to do theatre with at the party. I am about 3 years older than her. She supposedly use to look up to me and this other chick at the local theatre...probably not anymore. I didn't get real messed up, but she did see me walking around with liquour and a cigarette. Nothing to be ashamed of necessarily.

I am still buzzing. Typing is slightly difficult. I just drank chocolate soymilk to help my throat...it worked a little.

Random thought: It is MARCH so I have officially been a vegetarian for 2 years! Yea for Me!

Ok I am sick of fixing my typos...

Dad's an Asshole

I fucking despise my father. He is such a bastard...I just want to hit him. For the second time, he has expressed his lack of desire to even help me with college. One he doesn't see why he should and two he just doesn't want to. He actually said he wouldn't mind me never getting a college education and ending up living in a shitty trailer park because then he could come live with me and make my life even more miserable. The sad thing is that he wasn't kidding. I feel like he is taking his anger about his own circumstance (never went to college and now stuck at a job he hates) out on me. Aren't you supposed to want your kids to have better than you did. Is that not a parent's goal. He is constantly putting down the lack of ambition my sister had and when I show up to have just a little he wants to tear it away. I don't understand it at all.

But it's ok, I officially don't live here anymore as of May 27th. Then he can live here miserable with my mother whom he hates just as much if not more. Maybe they will finally get a divorce after I move out. I have wanted them to since I was about 10 years old. How sad is that---to want you parents to divorce. See I am one of those kids who actually bitches about them staying married unlike every other kid who was upset about their parents split. It is really that pathetic between the two of them.

Unnecessary Dream

Oh my, I had the weirdest dream last night. I was at my friend A's house and we were watching a movie. We were both laying on her bed and then she starts to come on to me! She was tugging at my shirt and giving me those odd "I want to fuck you" looks. I was like "WHAT the FUCK!" Then she takes her shirt off and I was actually on top of her at one point. I then pushed away and the dream ended.

How weird is that? I am not interested in this friend at all. I think that I had this dream because I have been so horny lately and seriously longing for some female loving. She is basically the only girl I have been hanging out with lately, so maybe that is why she was the girl of my dream. I don't know, it definitely was not a dream I wanted her to be a part of.

Peace Corps?

I have been pondering joining the Peace Corps. These are my reasons:

1) I have such a bitter outlook on life, that perhaps seeing people live in shit would make me more grateful.

2) I am either going to study Nutrition or Alternative Medicine in college and knowledge in either of these fields would be very helpful in a third world country. Especially Nutrition, because I could help malnourished children.

3) It would be a free adventure. I have always wanted to go to Africa or Romania, or South America (all have corps volunteers) and this would be my way to get there. I would get to help others and see a place I have longed to see and probably wouldn't see unless I joined the Corps.

My mother doesn't want me to do it. She worries that I'll contract a disease or get hurt while in some decrepit nation. These are understandable fears but by the time that I joined (age 22 or so) she wouldn't be able to stop me. The thing is, I just don't want to go through life never having done something extreme and huge. The Peace Corps could be my extreme adventure. I see it as a win-win situation. People's lives are bettered by my volunteering, and I am personally bettered by just being there and seeing what they go through and knowing that I helped them.

Mom, Stop Reading!

Yea I actually put clothes in the washing machine!! I have been telling myself I would do that for days now.

I am worried that my mother has seen this blog. I got on the internet and the history window was open on the side. Meaning, she saw this on the history. Hopefully I am just being paranoid and she didn't read anything. I really hope she didn't, or she is going to be on my ass about certain topics that I don't want to discuss with her or anyone else for that matter(except for net strangers, that's ok).

SO---Mom, if you are reading my blog, BUGGER OFF! It is none of your business.

Pubes

Note: the above picture is NOT mine, it's a google pic.

I am wondering what the perfect way to trim one's pubic hair is? Like do men prefer it one way and women another? I suppose the best is completely waxed, because yes, hair is gross. Yet, who has the money to wax all the time? Besides, who wants some random person checking out your hairy underside?! Also you can't get by with shaving because you get red bumps and it itches like a bitch down there. My method for the time being, will be just to trim short. In the summer, I think I'll trim and Veet my bikini line. That is unless I figure out something better. This is really perplexing me!

Why the hell do we have hair around our genitals anyway?!

***Happy International Women's Day***

Coffee Table

I have decided to make a coffee table book titled My Teenage Bullshit. I am going to put the poems I have written over the years (some really good, some total crap) and the drawings I have recently (the past year) been doing. Whether I'll ever get the thing published...I don't know...whether I'll ever actually put this together...not sure? But it is my idea for the moment! I have also decided on the dedication:

To all bullshitters under the age of 20

I think it works. See I want to own a business, coffee shop by day, club by night (by club I mean a place where I'll have local bands play and have random poetry readings). I going to make this business the most stereotypically bohemian, beatnik, hippie, joint possible. It will have big comfy couches that don't match, awesome background music, and the most eclectic collection of coffee table books---including my own. There will also be coffee, tea, cookies, and sandwiches all in a cozy atmosphere. I get all excited just thinking about it. I seriously hate being 17 when I think about future goals. I want to start on them now, but I have so much other shit to do before I'll have the ability. Why can't I skip ahead a little?! That Sucks!

Questions

I am sitting with my sister in my room yesterday while she is making flowers for her wedding. I begin to do henna (indian semi-permanent ink) on my wrist. I decided to do the female sign, you know the circle with a cross coming out of it. My sister says, "People are really going to start questioning(in reference to sexuality) you with you being so feminist."

I tell her that that doesn't bother me because people have been questioning me for about a year and a half now.

Then she asks,"So are you gay or straight?"

I go,"Umm, I don't know." She pries for a bit, then finally, I tell her, "I don't know whether I prefer girls or boys or want both. I am sorry if you are disappointed, but I am trying to figure it out, that is why I haven't been too enthusiastic about dating boys lately. I don't think it is fair to be with someone when you don't know what you want."

She tells me that she just hopes I end up with a boy.

What I am really sick of is people telling me what my sexuality is. I have my sister telling me I like dick. I have a friend Ric telling me I am a total les. And I have my friend C saying that he could see me go either way. Why do people have to constantly probe me with labels expecting me to just pick one in a second without even thinking about it? I wasn't even sexually confused until last May or so. I actually felt I had finally figured myself out as a person, was of an adult mind, had grown...but then everyone made me look even deeper within and now I don't have a fucking clue!! C coming out, me getting a horrid crush on a chick M, and everyone asking me questions is just too much and not what I had expected my 17th year of life to be like. I want to go to college so I can experiment with people and have them not expect a relationship, like in this stupid town. I want people to cut out the questioning, so I can find the answers to my own questions.

I just got back from visiting a new and totally awesome store that is actually in my shit town. It is called Mr. Cheapo's; it has movies and CDs for dirt cheap prices. For example, I just purchased 5 CDs for $12!! How amazing is that!? Finally I can not feel bad for going on CD buying sprees! The CDs are so cheap because Mr. Cheapo sells a burned copy. You pick out the CDs you want, take them to the counter, then wait about 5 minutes for them to burn, and only pay $3 a CD. It's great! Now I don't feel so guilty about burning because I am actually paying at least a little bit of cash. They have a great selection there as well. The 5 CDs I got I never would have found at the corporate music places in my town. I always have to order my music off of Amazon.com.

I excitedly purchased:

Ani Di Franco--Evolve
Ani Di Franco--So Much Shouting, So Much Laughter I & II
Lamb--Fear of Fours
PJ Harvey--Is This Desire?