Alice Complex cured?

If anyone has the "Alice Complex" it's me, but I really feel myself more and more leaning towards women. It kind of hit me on Thursday at work while I was talking with 2 of my female co-workers. Not that I was attracted to them, but more of an emotional magnetism per se. Like there is a deeper bond that's possible between women and myself. It feels like this natural pull. For the longest time I wasn't sure if it was just a physical attraction to females or if there was something more---after all you can't base a real relationship off of just sex. Some people can, but I am more the type that wants to wrap my arms around someone while watching a movie. Grant it, I love the female body. Women are so beautiful with their curves, breasts and overall softness. All women, even the most butch, have that softness that is so alluring. So it's not just a physical thing anymore, there's something naturally inside that is saying, "Hey Charlie, you really want a girl to love and take care of."

I am finding myself getting jealous of all the annoying straight couples I see walking around Sears. I see the ugly guy holding the beautiful girl's hand and I just think,"God, why can't I have that?!" That and, to kill the cheesey-ness of this post, I am really fucking horny. It's bad; I haven't been kissed in nearly 2 years and the lack of physical attention is wearing me down. I am scared I might pounce on the first person I meet in college. eek!

Prom Drama

My Senior Prom is this Saturday and my friends are all pissed off. This chick N decided to invite a huge group of people to go eat together...which is fine. I figured it would be people of The Group, however. The Group is the bunch that I have been hanging out with since we were all 12. I really wanted to spend my last high school dance with them. N didn't invite The Group per se...she invited a bunch of Drama Club people and some Juniors that I've spoken to only a handful of times---then some of The Group. I don't want to be with all those people. I am shy in large groups especially when they are of people I don't care to talk with in the first place.

Another issue is that one of the Drama Club people, MJ, is the ex-crush of my date, C. He and C have an odd relationship: MJ whines, C deals with it and gets nothing in return. Plus C was/is in love with him so it's just weird. If C and I were to go with everyone to eat we would meet up with MJ and his date. C would get pissed off, then I would get pissed off due to him being upset, then everyone would get pissed off because C and I have a nack for expanding our dark cloud. So C and I decided to ditch everyone and do our own thing. My good friend A agreed with us and decided to come along not telling her date that they were ditching everyone.

The Drama begins...

A's date Matt wanted to go with the huge group. A is the type of demanding dominant woman that is going to have her way and Matt knows this, so he didn't question. However, he is upset. Now N is pissed off because she can't have Matt at her gathering. And frankly, I am really fucking pissed off because apparently no one gives a shit, by no one I mean N, if C,A, and I are there. It never got questioned when we said we weren't going, but if Matt can't go a fit is to be thrown.

I am even more angry that I got pulled into this dramatic bullshit in the first place. Why does it all matter? Everyone is getting all flustered over this stupid matter of where we are all going to eat. Who cares? If certain people do their own thing then so be it.

There is so much drama within the walls of high school; I am so glad to be out of it.

My Name Sucks

I've decided I really don't like my name:

Haley Marie Schmidt

1) It just doesn't flow. It's so bam, bam, bam.

2) Marie is one of the most common middle names. It's up there with Jane, Renee, Elizabeth, Nicole, Anne, and lynn. Those names that just aren't great enough to be a good first name so parents just stick them in the middle because they can't whip up any creativity after shoving a baby out.

3) Haley just sounds so 'little girl' to me. It isn't a strong CEO name. What makes it worse is that it was the most popular baby name of either '99 or '00. So there are loads of 5 year old girls running around with my name. Now I'm the old hag with a little girl name. I'm in Sears and I hear,"Haley get your butt back over here!!!" Then I'm turning around like,"What, what, why is someone yelling at me!?"

4) All those 5 year old girls are ugly. I think I've met 2 other Haley's that were cute. It makes me question my own cuteness and that's just sad.

5) Haley means "Hay Meadow." Enough said.

6) What's worse than having a last name that rhymes with shit.

These are the names I am considering for my own children in say 12 years:

Jissai Atticus (boy)--Jissai is an old Buddhist monk name, Atticus is from To Kill a Mockingbird, a book I never finished (hehe)

Ainn Reece-pronounced ay-N (boy)--stole it from a TV channel abreviation AIN, I've no idea what it stood for

Eila Brianne-pronounced I-la (girl)--Eila is also an old Buddhist monk name, Brianne is my older sister's name

I think these names kick ass. Strong, different, but not so different that the kid would get made fun of.

Some Boys

Wow, I just got off the phone with my friend J.E. I worry about that boy. He is so naive. He is telling me about going to LA to audition for some kind of record contract and I can just see those people screwing him over. He would take anything no matter what the fine print said. Not only that, if he goes and is successful he won't be going to college. Now I have conflicting concerns about this. 1) he needs college to show him the real world because he doesn't know anything. Get this, C and I had to give him a sex talk recently due to him not even knowing that women had orgasms. He thought women were just kind of there as the men had their way. What's that about?! 2) If he doesn't go to college I won't have to worry about him ending up at the University of Texas with me. UT is his second choice because it has a great Arts program...I don't want him there. I don't want the pressure of having to hold his innocent hand down The Drag and dealing with his astonishment when he sees the cross-dressing, pot-smoking, homeless man walking his way. I don't want to hear his disapproval if he finds out about any flings I might have or of any nights I spend at the gay clubs. I simply don't want to deal with it. Austin is too crazy a place for him to live comfortably.

My friend J came down from Massachusettes last Wednesday. He looked very nice. He has lost weight, which he was skinny before but now he's model-esq. His hair was shorter as well---bbefore he left the hair made him look like Tarzan it was so long. We had a blast. A and I hogged his visit. He got in around 12:30 and A picked him up. I met up with them at 1:30 and we hung out together until 4. At 4 we met with The Group at Denny's. The Group only had him for one hour. HAH! We went to lunch and chatted about his friends and girlfriend and politics (my friends have a skill for turning any conversation into one about politics or religon). He said his girlfriend reminded him of myself. I felt very special after that comment.

J's Coming Home

My old friend J, is coming down to Texas from Massachusettes on Wednesday. I haven't seen him in 2 years...I am seriously excited. J was one of those weird kids that was a yuppie at age 12. He dressed in slacks and a button-down shirt most of the time and in jogging shorts a t-shirt and sandals every other time. He is a vegetarian, or at least was before he left. The last book I saw him read was War and Peace in the middle of our Pre-Cal class sophomore year. If I picture him as an adult I see him on a laptop in some bohemian cafe dressed in a suit with birkenstocks and his hair in a ponytail. He was a special guy and I loved making fun of him---he was just so easy. We had a sarcastic relationship. And the people that I am the most sarcastic with are the people I care most about.

I can't wait to see him!

Hair, Dresses, and Arrows

I got my hair done the other day. It is now layered and is dark fuschia-ish red with random black highlights. I look hot.

I also bought my prom dress. It's got a 30's feel to it. I got it from a vintage store in Houston called Wish for $35. In all my prom outfit including jewelry and shoes, cost $120. Hell Yes for being cheap!! Most people spend more than that on the dress alone. But those same people buy those typical grotesque dresses that are so...well...PROM. *see above dress* They are all made out of that taffeta (I think it's called)fabric that makes me want to vomit. I like the fact that both of my Junior and Senior year prom dresses could and probably will be worn again, because they don't look like nasty prom dresses. My dress is knee length with some shorter length pieces as well. It's spaghetti straped and the bodice is a black lace with a fleshy-gold color under it. I have a red choker necklace and a long red necklace with red dangly earrings. The prom theme is "Moulin Rouge;" I fittingly look like a French whore. I like that!

On the down-side of things, I no longer get to be certified in archery for my summer camp that I will be a counselor at. I found out that I have my high school graduation ceremony on May 27th which is also the day I am supposed to be at camp to get certified. Even more unfortunate is that I have to be at camp the next day at 8 AM to get certified for riflery. Camp is 3 hours away...meaning my after-grad partying will have to be cut short so I can get a bit of sleep before I arise at the ass-crack of dawn to get to camp. Damn that is going to suck.

Gyno

I have to get a physical before I go to camp in May. Since I am turning 18 in June, I figured I would kill 2 birds with 1 stone and go to the gynecologist for my physical. I have never had my vagina looked at by anyone but myself, so naturally I am a little apprehensive.

I decided that there is no way in Hell that I'll go to a male gynecologist. In my town that is difficult because there are only 3 female ones. I called one--the one I want--and she's booked till June; that is too late for me. I haven't tried the others yet.

See, I have this theory about gynecologists. The male gynos got into it because they were pervs in college and thought it would be awesome to look at pussy all day. Now of course they have received the karmic slap in the face by having to look at sick, diseased vagina a good half of the time. The female gynos got into it because they are female and know what it's like to be poked and how uncomfortable it is. They seek to make their patients more comfortable for the good of womankind. This is why I refuse to see a male. That and I just really don't want some creepy guy the same age as my bastard father looking at my vagina. It's weird!

Which L Word member Are You?

You are Alice!

You are femme and very talkative. You are very
oppinionated and artistic. You are bisexual
and can't figure out which one to be with...you
feel the need to choose one sex over the other
being the better. You want to find love and
get frustrated with concept. Slow down, enjoy
life, and have fun....and try not to be a
chatter box!


Which L Word cast member are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Big shocker here!

Sigh

I seriously hate knowing that I am probably going to have to wait until college to figure my sexually confused self out. I mean, it is practically all I think about. It makes me wonder, "Does everybody go through this?" It makes me mad at M, because before her all was fine. That day that I looked into her eyes my whole world changed. Like all those years I thought I was straight were erased and replaced with not stop thoughts of women. Men don't really attract me anymore, there's the occasional one, but mostly I just stare at girls now. Yet, I have these days where I think, "God, I am such a les," and other days where I am not so sure.

There's a quote from The L Word where Shane says, "Most girls are straight until they're not." Is that true? I ponder that quote a lot because that is my exact situation. If I had never seen M, would I still be positively straight, or would it have just taken another girl at another time to...I don't know...arouse my homosexuality?

I don't care which way I end up, I just wish I knew.

Feeling Crappy

Uhg, I have been feeling like shit lately. I don't know why exactly. Part of it I suppose has somthing to do with feeling like there is no one for me to talk to. Normally I would talk to either R or C, but my problems at the moment deal with an issue neither of them are good at talking about--fathers.

C's, father kicked him out of the house at age 16 because he was gay. C wishes he had a relationship with his dad, so my bitching about mine being a bastard really just pisses him off because I at least have a father in my life. In his eyes it's the "You don't know what you have till it's gone" type thing. So I can't vent to him without feeling guilty or upsetting him.

R's father just died. Enough said.

So it sucks not being able to just scream, "My father is a Bastard!!" and get a hug from one of them afterward.

I guess I am sort of lonely. I need some lovin'.

Back Ache

My back hurts. About where my kidney is, on the right side, if I bend over a sharp pain occurs. Yoga will be painful today. Although, I always mess up my back, so it's not like this is anything new. In fact, if I go to long without it hurting, I start to get paranoid that maybe something deeper is wrong.

**Happy April Fool's Day**