Bad Sleeping Schedule

It is 8 AM and I woke up about 15 minutes ago because my father screamed up the stairs, "Haley, get up now and do something!" That really vexes me, being that I was about to get up in the first place, just my alarm had 2 minutes left. I hate when people wake me up before I am ready.

He did the horrible act of waking me because he is pissed about my sleeping schedule. I admit, my sleeping schedule is really fucked...that'd be why I am up this early. I am trying to fix it but it will take a few days. My father doesn't understand that a normal person can't just switch back to a normal schedule. He works shift work so he is used to waking up at 4 AM one day and then waking up at 6 PM the next. I'm not him, so the feat will be challenging. My schedule currently has been falling asleep at 4AM and waking up between 10 and 12 AM. The 4AM thing is the problem.

So I am currently drinking my coffee to wake up and I'll probably have to make more coffee around 5PM to stay awake.

***12 days till I'm 18***

Grad Party Aftermath

I had a graduation party on Saturday. C gave me a removable shower head equipt with speed and massage variations. Exciting!! The party was a lot of fun because I finally got The Group together. It was what I had wanted prom to be like...which it wasn't, but I got my way in the end at my party.

Some trouble started because of my party however. My friend J is probably the most desperate gay boy I know. Well, my friend Cam, who is bisexual, was very open about his sexual experience during my party. J heard this and was very intrigued and his interest in Cam grew. J has always thought Cam was cute and has sort of been waiting for him to come out, now that he has he wants to pounce. J is a really special person, and I don't mean special-ed. He is extremely theatrical, clingy, forward, and basically latches on to every gay guy that will speak to him. He can be seriously irritating...he's the type that will call you 10 times in 1 hour. He is doing that to Cam at the moment. Cam, C, and I were all at IHOP tonight and J had been calling him and Cam hadn't picked up. In J's head, if someone doesn't answer their phone it means to call again in 2 minutes. During that 2 minutes, C, Cam, and I planned what Cam should say to him when he calls back. Cam told him that he was on a date with a girl. That twisted J's mind. J then called C and was like,"why is he with a girl?!!" C told him Cam is bisexual he is allowed to do that. J then called me and was like,"I don't understand bisexuality." I told him that some people don't understand homosexuality either...that shut him up. I feel bad that J is annoying the shit out of Cam.

The other trouble that brewed from my party was that the day after my father had asked me to help clean up the mess in the backyard. I went to C's house and watched Angel's in America instead. I came home at 8:45 that evening expecting to watch the season finale of The L Word and got bitched at by my father. He said that I didn't lift a finger all day and because of that I shouldn't get to watch my show. That really pissed me off because I am the only person in my house that cleans anything and the one time I don't he attempts to punish me! I got to watch my show anyway, but the fact that he had the nerve to gripe at me about cleaning really irritated me.

Also...while at IHOP tonight--about an hour ago--my father calls and says,"Where are you. It is 1:30 in the fucking morning. You did this last night too and it is a weekday and a worknight. You need to get your ass home."

Okay 1) I am always at IHOP till about 2 AM.

2) He can't just go and replace school-night with work-night and expect it to mean the same thing. I work at Sears, meaning I don't do anything and the earliest I have to wake up on weekdays in 9:45. Big deal!

3) I have been staying out till 2AM at the very least since December when I got out of school. Why is he bitching now?

I have never had a curfew and it's really annoying that now, when I am 15 days from being 18 years old, they are going to establish one. Grr..

I hate hospitals

I spent 6 hours at the hospital the other day. C had a panic attack. He was breathing heavy and was having chest pains. I took him home and his mom asked if he wanted to go to the hospital; he said yes. He told her it was probably anxiety/depression, and also told her about how he has suicidal thoughts in the back of his mind. I went with them to the hospital. Hospitals SUCK! We were in the waiting room for four and a half hours!! When we got to a room, we waited for another hour. He got to speak to a doctor for only 30 minutes. I had to hold back tears for 6 hours. The doctor and a councelor diagnosed him with depression...duh. It was extremely hard to listen to him talk about what all makes him feel like shit. It hurt to know I couldn't fix this problem. I got home that night at 4 AM.

When I got home, my dad was getting ready to go to work. I told him about the night and just burst into tears. Last time I cried that hard I was probably 1 year old. It freaked my dad out and my mother. My father woke my mom up to talk to me since he had to leave for work, and I just cried more to her. I cried to my sister the next morning.

The thing is, I have had a friend commit suicide before. However, that friend was no where near as close as C is. C is my best friend. A year after that friend died, I almost followed his foot steps. If something were to happen to C, I know I wouldn't last long.

Then yesterday I was with C at IHOP, like always, and he says his mother has given him a one o' clock curfew. That pissed him off because, quote,"She is being overly emotional. Just because of one incident, she suddenly cares what time I am home." I wanted to slap him. He thinks she is being overly emotional for worrying that her son might die. I don't understand that thought progression. I wanted to scream at him, "So since I cried for an hour last night because I was scared I might loose you, does that make me OVERLY emotional too!?" It just bothers me that he feels so lonely, yet when someone as close to him as his mother shows some worry, he calls her 'overly emotional.' I don't think he sees how terrified he has us.

His mother even came to Sears to talk to me about how to help him. I could just see the fear in her eyes. M, her girlfriend, was worried as well and wanted to kick MJ's ass for causing so much trouble in C's life. I had a hard time not crying once more while talking to them.

I just don't know what to do. I love him so much, but I don't feel like that's enough.

Worried about C

C is depressed and I am extremely worried about him. He is having the same feelings he did sophomore year of high school, which is: apathetic, pissed off for no reason, and that invisible lonely feeling. We were both severely depressed that year. Him for family reasons, me because a friend had commited suicide the year before around that time---a sort of PTSD. I know exactly how he is feeling and I hate that he feels that way. I love him so much and I don't want him to be upset. It's like part of my heart dies when he is sad. And I feel so unbelievably helpless. I hug him more, try to make him laugh, and ask him how he feels a couple times a day. That's what I wanted when I was depressed so...? What I hate even more is that I know depression is virus and it has to work its way through, nothing can speed it up, it has its own pace. I know that whatever I try, it won't fix his sadness. Also, I hate all the people in his life that are making it harder for him to get through this. MJ specifically makes everything worse. That pissy motherfucker needs to be slapped. I know he has serious issues in his life but must they screw with C's?!

I am leaving to be a camp councelor in two and one-half weeks. I'll be gone for a month and a half. I don't like the idea of not being here to protect him, not being able to hug him when MJ is dick for the 300th time. I am scared he will have suicidal thoughts with me not here to race to his house. I am so scared I am going to get a call at camp with bad news about him. Nothing can happen to him; I can't live with half of my heart gone. I love him so much.

75 Homosexuals!

My best friend and gay boyfriend C and I tend to go to IHOP nearly every night. We sit there, drink, smoke, and chat. It's our place. One of our friends Ric, works there as a waiter; we keep him company while he works the graveyard shift. He is off on Mondays and Tuesdays, so yesterday C and I went to Denny's instead.

We started talking about how people we know have recently realized their 'gayness,' as we like to call it. A friend we both 'called'--to presume is gay-- in junior high recently came out to us. It was pretty much our goal to get him to say it that night. We both told him of ourselves and then he finally said it. It was an exciting moment. Then he goes and tells us another friend of ours is a lesbian. We were both like, "Whoa!"

At Denny's last night after talking about this, we decided to count the number of gay people we both know. ***Drum Roll*** It came to the grand total of 75!. I consider that fairly amazing being that we aren't even in college yet. Now we want to start a chart like on The L Word. We are waiting till college for that one because none of us are getting any sex at the moment.

I have a theory behind all of our friend's homosexuality. Young kids tend to flock to people that are like themselves when making friends. Children don't think about diversity. I think that subconsciencely when we were all kids, before we really knew we were all gay, that we found each other because we sensed the inner gayness within us all. I am probably full of shit, but I think it's a fun theory.

K's Advice Blog

My yoga instructor, K, has decided that she is going to give me one piece of advice each week at yoga until I go to college. This post is dedicated to the listing of her advice.

3/7
1) Never have more than one credit card, unless you are stupid and actually want debt

3/11
2) Don't give up on your father, even if he is an asshole. One day you will want him in your life.

3/18
3) Never go to the Quack Shack (college health center) for a Pap Smear. I went once and it made me bleed for two weeks. I don't know what the hell they did down there.

3/25---I received a lot of advice today
4) Don't have kids---just don't!

5) Enjoy your college experience and don't decide on a major to quick. Try new things and have fun because after college life sucks.

6) Before you start dating someone and especially before you hook up, ask what year that person was born. They could say they are a junior and be a junior in high school not college.

7) NEVER date anyone who was in the war! They are fucked up in the head.

8) Don't drink too much beer. More importantly, just don't get caught.

9) Get a good digital camera and take tons of pictures.

3/28
10) Never marry anyone you would date in college. You date the 'bad' people in college who are fun, yet not marriage material.

4/8
11) Go to Victoria's Secret and buy a Very Sexy Bra; it will give you clevage.---I am doubting this. I have a physical issue I like to call 'armpit boob.' My breasts are very far apart and they are barely a B cup, therefore no amount of padding and underwire could push them far enough for me to have clevage. However, I'll try it.

4/18
12) If you get crappy service at a restuarant, instead of not leaving a tip and appearing like a dumbass who forgot, leave spare change. It make a person feel real crappy if they only receive a nickle and two pennys.

4/25
13) Don't hope for fate if you know what you want. Just get it yourself.

14) Don't marry anyone with a crazy mother. Mother-in-laws suck already, there's no need to make it worse.

5/2
15) Spend half, Save half