Upset

I am feeling a bit crap. I haven't seen Anna in 2 weeks. I asked her to come stay with me this weekend and she said she wouldn't be able to. I won't see her next weekend either because I'll be at the ACL Music festival. That will be 4 weeks without seeing her. This is seriously depressing. I about cried when she told me she couldn't stay this weekend. I just looked at my calendar...make it 5 weeks. I have to go home for my Aunt's baby shower the weekend after ACL. I have to go cry in my pillow now.

Moving

I move to Austin tomorrow for college at the University of Texas. I'm really excited about the move, considering I've been waiting for this day since about age ten. However, I have professor named Dr.Ed "dred" who I am terrified of. She teaches Biology and her tests are basically nine pages of fill in the blank. What psycho does that...it's just mean.

I'll get to see Anna tomorrow as well. It'll be great to finally get to see her, minus the fact that we have only spoken once this week and that has me kind of sad. The only reason we did speak was because I called. See when no one puts in effort, I get to where I don't either just out of spite and then I get upset. She did just start school and she is working and that's a great reason to not communicate, I suppose. However, I start school on Wednesday, so does that mean we won't ever talk? Jeez, I sound so whiney sometimes...I'm probably overeacting.

I don't know, maybe I'm thinking pessimistically for no reason and I should just get over it. I've been in a bit of a mood all day...

sigh

So that's why God hates me!

If there is a God, he/she really does hate gays, because I sure feel disliked at the moment. The past guys I have dated all turned out to be clingy and would never leave me alone. Naturally I got sick of them quickly. I start dating a beautiful girl and I never get to see her because the events we plan go down the toilet. I miss her terribly. The wait to be with her is seriously driving me insane. I need to see her face, I need to feel her body against mine, I need to hear her laugh.

I just have to keep telling myself that in 8 days, we will be only 30 minutes apart. I have a mental countdown. 8 more days until I can see my beautiful Anna.

Getting Cut Off Soon

My mother asked me today what I would do if my father cut me off financially. I told her I would re-do my FAFSA so it would say I was independent and poor. Also I would never come home. She brought it up because my father was disappointed by the fact that I want to go to camp for the full 8 weeks next summer. He asked me about it today; I'm thinking,"This summer isn't even finished yet!" He got on me about how I need to get a real job so I can help out more with school. How I would make more money if I came home and worked with Sears instead of going to camp. I see his point...I just don't care. I want to go back to camp...and that's final. He is also practically fighting with my mother about me over this issue that is so far in the future. My mom told me he is just looking for an excuse to cut me off. I asked my mother if she would help me if that happened and she said it would have to be in secret. What the fuck is that about? What happened to parents caring about their children?

Mom also told me today that she lies awake at night thinking about leaving and getting an apartment. She said she doesn't know how much she could help if she was having to support herself.

Is it just me, or has my family gotten severely disfunctional all because of my presence.

My father hates me because I don't show him any respect. I don't respect him because he has been an asshole since I can remember to not only me but my mother. My father is mad at my mother for seeing my side and feeling bad for me. My poor mother is going crazy having to listen to us both. She said she was thinking about going to see a counselor; she's already on anti-depressants thanks to the misery that is living with my shithead of a father. I feel bad for her, she is a good woman and she tries really hard. I feel bad that I'm leaving her alone to deal with the bastard's shit. She deserves better than him.

I'm starting to think that I might get cut off soon. Threats have been occuring quite a bit recently. Unfortunately, it'll be awhile before I can fix my financial aid status, so hopefully he'll do it right before I can change things. Come to think of it, I would probably have a lot easier time paying for college if he left. Bring it ASSHOLE!

Maybe if I tell him I'm a lesbian, it would get the job done.

Fuck my car, Fuck my Father

I got in my car and went to the bank to check my account balance. I went to roll up my window and this crack sound screamed from my car door. Then I messed with the up-down button and now my window is stuck in the down position. So this means I can't go anywhere because someone could steal my car if I should get out of it. This also mean my father has to fix it. I hate asking him for things, I hate needing him.

My mother just told me that before my father left for work today he said,"Starting Monday, I'm gonna be the new man. If Haley gets any more piercings, tattoos, or wrecks her car, I am not paying for her college. Instead I am going to use the money to buy a new Harley." He makes it so hard for me to not just kill him in the night. I hate him and he knows it. He apparently feels the same way. Fucking bastard...

My Girl

So I am still with the girl from camp. She is so beautiful. I love to tickle her on her belly and the back of her thigh; she makes this high pitched laugh that is unbearably cute and exciting. It feels so great to just hug and hold her. There is something different about her. When we kiss I get this really good, comforting feeling. I've never gotten that feeling with anyone else.

She has a very laid back, reserved type personality. However, every now and then she gets extremely hyper and does/says the most random things and it is hilarious. She gets really shy in front of lots of people but when she is with me she emits this confidence that is oh so sexy.

I love that I can fight with her. I love that she is strong but still feminine. I love how her voice gets higher when she is excited. I love how she won't sing with me in the car but if she hears some rap she will hide mouthing the words.

She's great, I hate that we can't see each other more often. She lives 2 hours away at the moment. It will be better when school starts; our universities are only 30 minutes away. In two weeks I'll be able to see her anytime I want. I can't wait.

I'm Home

I got back from camp on Sunday, July 10th. It was amazing. Myself and another counselor, A, got really close. Honestly, I don't think I would have made it through the 6 weeks of camp without her. Being with her made the stress of dealing with 250 campers disappear for a while. I am hating not being with her right now. She is still at camp and will be through July 30th. Hopefully I will be able to plan a visit some time soon. It is really hard going from seeing someone everyday to not seeing them at all. I left not knowing what we were doing with each other. If we are over because it was just a summer fling or if we are trying to keep it together. I guess we'll figure it out. I hope we stay together, at least to some degree.

On July 11th I went to Austin for freshman orientation. It was long, boring, and the second I got there I started getting campsick (screw missing home, I want camp). C was there with me so I wasn't completely alone but it still sucked. The only exciting thing about it was going to a GLBT community meeting. I got to hear about the different GLBT clubs and see who all at orientation happened to be gay. A counselor friend, C, random guy M, and myself went 6th street Wednesday night. 6th street is extremely lame! There are approximately two 18+ clubs and they suck. Everything is either really country, 21+, or a bar. I hate bars; I like to dance. C and I had our ears pierced on Thursday after we registered for classes. C had 12 gauge rings put in both lobes and I had an industrial 12 gauge bar stuck through the top of my left ear. The pain made my toes curl. ouchies!!!

I am excited about school starting. My classes are: Chemistry, Biology, Nutrition, Psychology, and Pre-Cal. It feels good to know that the classes I'm taking actually have a real purpose. In high school you take random classes that don't matter like speech and P.E. and it always pissed me off because it was such a waste of time. My classes have meaning now, I will actually need to know Biology to do my job properly in the future. I find that amazing! Also a lot of great events are happening my first semester, like the Dalai Lama coming to speak. I think it will be a great year.