Cut Off

So my mother gets me up this morning an hour before I had planned to wake up. As everyone but my mother knows, that is my biggest pet peave (sp?). Nothing else will make me as angry and pissy as that. However, I know if I speak in such situation I am likely to say something I will regret...so I don't talk, I just unload the dishwasher like she asked. Then she tells me, "You know, if you keep ignoring your father you are going to be cut off." I say, "That's funny, I thought I already was." Then I go back to bed.

I wake up again, in a terrible mood and my mood worsens while at work. The mood worsens because I am pondering what my mother said to me. What does she mean? Do I have to play nice to my father so I can live in this house for another 2 months? Is this his threat or hers? I know he isn't going to drop a dime towards my education, but is she backing out as well just because the man has heard maybe 5 words out of my mouth for the past week? Why the fuck am I being punished in this situation!? He's the adult, I am the child here, yet I am the one expected build a relationship that hasn't existed since I was born. Fuck that! All I do is not talk, because everytime I do say anything he makes me feel like shit. I am sick of putting up with that. And now I feel like my mother is turning on me as well, even if she is just passing his message along. If he is pissed that I am not speaking to him, maybe he should say something to me about it. Threatening to cut me off only makes the problem worse, it only makes me hate him more, which is why I don't speak to him in the first place. Or is he just too stupid to comprehend how that links?

About a year ago he actually told my mother that he wanted to leave us. Keyword 'us' not just 'her.' The only reason he didn't go is because he couldn't afford it. How pathetic is that? I wish he would have gone. I don't want him in my life. As a matter of fact I don't even want him to pay for college because I don't want to know that he helped me get my degree. I don't want him in my future kid's lives either.

What I hate even more than him is that we are a lot alike. We are both stubborn, sarcastic, pessimistic, and have a hard time showing emotion towards others. The big difference however, is that I have worked on the last one. I actually have the ability to express that I care about someone unlike his heartless fucked-up self. I never want to treat my children like he has treated me. My kids are going to know everyday of their lives that I love them.

I am so upset that I am in this hole of emotion where I can't even cry about it. I want to cry, crying makes me feel better, but it just won't happen.