My Teenage Bullshit

Upset

2005-09-17T16:39:00.000-07:00

I am feeling a bit crap. I haven't seen Anna in 2 weeks. I asked her to come stay with me this weekend and she said she wouldn't be able to. I won't see her next weekend either because I'll be at the ACL Music festival. That will be 4 weeks without seeing her. This is seriously depressing. I about cried when she told me she couldn't stay this weekend. I just looked at my calendar...make it 5 weeks. I have to go home for my Aunt's baby shower the weekend after ACL. I have to go cry in my pillow now.

Moving

2005-08-26T23:44:00.000-07:00

I move to Austin tomorrow for college at the University of Texas. I'm really excited about the move, considering I've been waiting for this day since about age ten. However, I have professor named Dr.Ed "dred" who I am terrified of. She teaches Biology and her tests are basically nine pages of fill in the blank. What psycho does that...it's just mean.

I'll get to see Anna tomorrow as well. It'll be great to finally get to see her, minus the fact that we have only spoken once this week and that has me kind of sad. The only reason we did speak was because I called. See when no one puts in effort, I get to where I don't either just out of spite and then I get upset. She did just start school and she is working and that's a great reason to not communicate, I suppose. However, I start school on Wednesday, so does that mean we won't ever talk? Jeez, I sound so whiney sometimes...I'm probably overeacting.

I don't know, maybe I'm thinking pessimistically for no reason and I should just get over it. I've been in a bit of a mood all day...

sigh

So that's why God hates me!

2005-08-19T17:42:00.000-07:00

If there is a God, he/she really does hate gays, because I sure feel disliked at the moment. The past guys I have dated all turned out to be clingy and would never leave me alone. Naturally I got sick of them quickly. I start dating a beautiful girl and I never get to see her because the events we plan go down the toilet. I miss her terribly. The wait to be with her is seriously driving me insane. I need to see her face, I need to feel her body against mine, I need to hear her laugh.

I just have to keep telling myself that in 8 days, we will be only 30 minutes apart. I have a mental countdown. 8 more days until I can see my beautiful Anna.

Getting Cut Off Soon

2005-08-16T22:33:00.000-07:00

My mother asked me today what I would do if my father cut me off financially. I told her I would re-do my FAFSA so it would say I was independent and poor. Also I would never come home. She brought it up because my father was disappointed by the fact that I want to go to camp for the full 8 weeks next summer. He asked me about it today; I'm thinking,"This summer isn't even finished yet!" He got on me about how I need to get a real job so I can help out more with school. How I would make more money if I came home and worked with Sears instead of going to camp. I see his point...I just don't care. I want to go back to camp...and that's final. He is also practically fighting with my mother about me over this issue that is so far in the future. My mom told me he is just looking for an excuse to cut me off. I asked my mother if she would help me if that happened and she said it would have to be in secret. What the fuck is that about? What happened to parents caring about their children?

Mom also told me today that she lies awake at night thinking about leaving and getting an apartment. She said she doesn't know how much she could help if she was having to support herself.

Is it just me, or has my family gotten severely disfunctional all because of my presence.

My father hates me because I don't show him any respect. I don't respect him because he has been an asshole since I can remember to not only me but my mother. My father is mad at my mother for seeing my side and feeling bad for me. My poor mother is going crazy having to listen to us both. She said she was thinking about going to see a counselor; she's already on anti-depressants thanks to the misery that is living with my shithead of a father. I feel bad for her, she is a good woman and she tries really hard. I feel bad that I'm leaving her alone to deal with the bastard's shit. She deserves better than him.

I'm starting to think that I might get cut off soon. Threats have been occuring quite a bit recently. Unfortunately, it'll be awhile before I can fix my financial aid status, so hopefully he'll do it right before I can change things. Come to think of it, I would probably have a lot easier time paying for college if he left. Bring it ASSHOLE!

Maybe if I tell him I'm a lesbian, it would get the job done.

Fuck my car, Fuck my Father

2005-08-14T21:28:00.000-07:00

I got in my car and went to the bank to check my account balance. I went to roll up my window and this crack sound screamed from my car door. Then I messed with the up-down button and now my window is stuck in the down position. So this means I can't go anywhere because someone could steal my car if I should get out of it. This also mean my father has to fix it. I hate asking him for things, I hate needing him.

My mother just told me that before my father left for work today he said,"Starting Monday, I'm gonna be the new man. If Haley gets any more piercings, tattoos, or wrecks her car, I am not paying for her college. Instead I am going to use the money to buy a new Harley." He makes it so hard for me to not just kill him in the night. I hate him and he knows it. He apparently feels the same way. Fucking bastard...

My Girl

2005-08-13T22:08:00.000-07:00

So I am still with the girl from camp. She is so beautiful. I love to tickle her on her belly and the back of her thigh; she makes this high pitched laugh that is unbearably cute and exciting. It feels so great to just hug and hold her. There is something different about her. When we kiss I get this really good, comforting feeling. I've never gotten that feeling with anyone else.

She has a very laid back, reserved type personality. However, every now and then she gets extremely hyper and does/says the most random things and it is hilarious. She gets really shy in front of lots of people but when she is with me she emits this confidence that is oh so sexy.

I love that I can fight with her. I love that she is strong but still feminine. I love how her voice gets higher when she is excited. I love how she won't sing with me in the car but if she hears some rap she will hide mouthing the words.

She's great, I hate that we can't see each other more often. She lives 2 hours away at the moment. It will be better when school starts; our universities are only 30 minutes away. In two weeks I'll be able to see her anytime I want. I can't wait.

I'm Home

2005-07-15T02:51:00.000-07:00

I got back from camp on Sunday, July 10th. It was amazing. Myself and another counselor, A, got really close. Honestly, I don't think I would have made it through the 6 weeks of camp without her. Being with her made the stress of dealing with 250 campers disappear for a while. I am hating not being with her right now. She is still at camp and will be through July 30th. Hopefully I will be able to plan a visit some time soon. It is really hard going from seeing someone everyday to not seeing them at all. I left not knowing what we were doing with each other. If we are over because it was just a summer fling or if we are trying to keep it together. I guess we'll figure it out. I hope we stay together, at least to some degree.

On July 11th I went to Austin for freshman orientation. It was long, boring, and the second I got there I started getting campsick (screw missing home, I want camp). C was there with me so I wasn't completely alone but it still sucked. The only exciting thing about it was going to a GLBT community meeting. I got to hear about the different GLBT clubs and see who all at orientation happened to be gay. A counselor friend, C, random guy M, and myself went 6th street Wednesday night. 6th street is extremely lame! There are approximately two 18+ clubs and they suck. Everything is either really country, 21+, or a bar. I hate bars; I like to dance. C and I had our ears pierced on Thursday after we registered for classes. C had 12 gauge rings put in both lobes and I had an industrial 12 gauge bar stuck through the top of my left ear. The pain made my toes curl. ouchies!!!

I am excited about school starting. My classes are: Chemistry, Biology, Nutrition, Psychology, and Pre-Cal. It feels good to know that the classes I'm taking actually have a real purpose. In high school you take random classes that don't matter like speech and P.E. and it always pissed me off because it was such a waste of time. My classes have meaning now, I will actually need to know Biology to do my job properly in the future. I find that amazing! Also a lot of great events are happening my first semester, like the Dalai Lama coming to speak. I think it will be a great year.

Camp

2005-06-18T10:37:00.000-07:00

I am at camp right now and will be through July 9th. It is this conservative little German camp and I am the lesbian camp counselor. EXCITING! I think it is funny and I get a kick out of playing the pronoun game in front of everyone. Sometime I just wish I could tell everyone though. It is really difficult leaving a place where I could openly talk about it and going to a place where I would probably lose a lot of the friends I have made if I came out. One counselor does know however, and that is making my stay at camp a lot easier. During the orientation week before campers came to camp, we were both trying to figure each other out. I find that a bit amusing. She is great fun, extremely hot and especially fun to grope under a blanket in our camp lounge with other counselors all around that don't have one clue. We were finally left alone last night and we got to kiss for the first time. It was amazing. She is the first girl I have ever kissed and I have to say, that boys cannot come close to comparing to girls.

Bad Sleeping Schedule

2005-05-20T08:21:00.000-07:00

It is 8 AM and I woke up about 15 minutes ago because my father screamed up the stairs, "Haley, get up now and do something!" That really vexes me, being that I was about to get up in the first place, just my alarm had 2 minutes left. I hate when people wake me up before I am ready.

He did the horrible act of waking me because he is pissed about my sleeping schedule. I admit, my sleeping schedule is really fucked...that'd be why I am up this early. I am trying to fix it but it will take a few days. My father doesn't understand that a normal person can't just switch back to a normal schedule. He works shift work so he is used to waking up at 4 AM one day and then waking up at 6 PM the next. I'm not him, so the feat will be challenging. My schedule currently has been falling asleep at 4AM and waking up between 10 and 12 AM. The 4AM thing is the problem.

So I am currently drinking my coffee to wake up and I'll probably have to make more coffee around 5PM to stay awake.

***12 days till I'm 18***

Grad Party Aftermath

2005-05-17T02:17:00.000-07:00

I had a graduation party on Saturday. C gave me a removable shower head equipt with speed and massage variations. Exciting!! The party was a lot of fun because I finally got The Group together. It was what I had wanted prom to be like...which it wasn't, but I got my way in the end at my party.

Some trouble started because of my party however. My friend J is probably the most desperate gay boy I know. Well, my friend Cam, who is bisexual, was very open about his sexual experience during my party. J heard this and was very intrigued and his interest in Cam grew. J has always thought Cam was cute and has sort of been waiting for him to come out, now that he has he wants to pounce. J is a really special person, and I don't mean special-ed. He is extremely theatrical, clingy, forward, and basically latches on to every gay guy that will speak to him. He can be seriously irritating...he's the type that will call you 10 times in 1 hour. He is doing that to Cam at the moment. Cam, C, and I were all at IHOP tonight and J had been calling him and Cam hadn't picked up. In J's head, if someone doesn't answer their phone it means to call again in 2 minutes. During that 2 minutes, C, Cam, and I planned what Cam should say to him when he calls back. Cam told him that he was on a date with a girl. That twisted J's mind. J then called C and was like,"why is he with a girl?!!" C told him Cam is bisexual he is allowed to do that. J then called me and was like,"I don't understand bisexuality." I told him that some people don't understand homosexuality either...that shut him up. I feel bad that J is annoying the shit out of Cam.

The other trouble that brewed from my party was that the day after my father had asked me to help clean up the mess in the backyard. I went to C's house and watched Angel's in America instead. I came home at 8:45 that evening expecting to watch the season finale of The L Word and got bitched at by my father. He said that I didn't lift a finger all day and because of that I shouldn't get to watch my show. That really pissed me off because I am the only person in my house that cleans anything and the one time I don't he attempts to punish me! I got to watch my show anyway, but the fact that he had the nerve to gripe at me about cleaning really irritated me.

Also...while at IHOP tonight--about an hour ago--my father calls and says,"Where are you. It is 1:30 in the fucking morning. You did this last night too and it is a weekday and a worknight. You need to get your ass home."

Okay 1) I am always at IHOP till about 2 AM.

2) He can't just go and replace school-night with work-night and expect it to mean the same thing. I work at Sears, meaning I don't do anything and the earliest I have to wake up on weekdays in 9:45. Big deal!

3) I have been staying out till 2AM at the very least since December when I got out of school. Why is he bitching now?

I have never had a curfew and it's really annoying that now, when I am 15 days from being 18 years old, they are going to establish one. Grr..

I hate hospitals

2005-05-07T22:16:00.000-07:00

I spent 6 hours at the hospital the other day. C had a panic attack. He was breathing heavy and was having chest pains. I took him home and his mom asked if he wanted to go to the hospital; he said yes. He told her it was probably anxiety/depression, and also told her about how he has suicidal thoughts in the back of his mind. I went with them to the hospital. Hospitals SUCK! We were in the waiting room for four and a half hours!! When we got to a room, we waited for another hour. He got to speak to a doctor for only 30 minutes. I had to hold back tears for 6 hours. The doctor and a councelor diagnosed him with depression...duh. It was extremely hard to listen to him talk about what all makes him feel like shit. It hurt to know I couldn't fix this problem. I got home that night at 4 AM.

When I got home, my dad was getting ready to go to work. I told him about the night and just burst into tears. Last time I cried that hard I was probably 1 year old. It freaked my dad out and my mother. My father woke my mom up to talk to me since he had to leave for work, and I just cried more to her. I cried to my sister the next morning.

The thing is, I have had a friend commit suicide before. However, that friend was no where near as close as C is. C is my best friend. A year after that friend died, I almost followed his foot steps. If something were to happen to C, I know I wouldn't last long.

Then yesterday I was with C at IHOP, like always, and he says his mother has given him a one o' clock curfew. That pissed him off because, quote,"She is being overly emotional. Just because of one incident, she suddenly cares what time I am home." I wanted to slap him. He thinks she is being overly emotional for worrying that her son might die. I don't understand that thought progression. I wanted to scream at him, "So since I cried for an hour last night because I was scared I might loose you, does that make me OVERLY emotional too!?" It just bothers me that he feels so lonely, yet when someone as close to him as his mother shows some worry, he calls her 'overly emotional.' I don't think he sees how terrified he has us.

His mother even came to Sears to talk to me about how to help him. I could just see the fear in her eyes. M, her girlfriend, was worried as well and wanted to kick MJ's ass for causing so much trouble in C's life. I had a hard time not crying once more while talking to them.

I just don't know what to do. I love him so much, but I don't feel like that's enough.

Worried about C

2005-05-05T02:48:00.000-07:00

C is depressed and I am extremely worried about him. He is having the same feelings he did sophomore year of high school, which is: apathetic, pissed off for no reason, and that invisible lonely feeling. We were both severely depressed that year. Him for family reasons, me because a friend had commited suicide the year before around that time---a sort of PTSD. I know exactly how he is feeling and I hate that he feels that way. I love him so much and I don't want him to be upset. It's like part of my heart dies when he is sad. And I feel so unbelievably helpless. I hug him more, try to make him laugh, and ask him how he feels a couple times a day. That's what I wanted when I was depressed so...? What I hate even more is that I know depression is virus and it has to work its way through, nothing can speed it up, it has its own pace. I know that whatever I try, it won't fix his sadness. Also, I hate all the people in his life that are making it harder for him to get through this. MJ specifically makes everything worse. That pissy motherfucker needs to be slapped. I know he has serious issues in his life but must they screw with C's?!

I am leaving to be a camp councelor in two and one-half weeks. I'll be gone for a month and a half. I don't like the idea of not being here to protect him, not being able to hug him when MJ is dick for the 300th time. I am scared he will have suicidal thoughts with me not here to race to his house. I am so scared I am going to get a call at camp with bad news about him. Nothing can happen to him; I can't live with half of my heart gone. I love him so much.

75 Homosexuals!

2005-05-04T12:08:00.000-07:00

My best friend and gay boyfriend C and I tend to go to IHOP nearly every night. We sit there, drink, smoke, and chat. It's our place. One of our friends Ric, works there as a waiter; we keep him company while he works the graveyard shift. He is off on Mondays and Tuesdays, so yesterday C and I went to Denny's instead.

We started talking about how people we know have recently realized their 'gayness,' as we like to call it. A friend we both 'called'--to presume is gay-- in junior high recently came out to us. It was pretty much our goal to get him to say it that night. We both told him of ourselves and then he finally said it. It was an exciting moment. Then he goes and tells us another friend of ours is a lesbian. We were both like, "Whoa!"

At Denny's last night after talking about this, we decided to count the number of gay people we both know. ***Drum Roll*** It came to the grand total of 75!. I consider that fairly amazing being that we aren't even in college yet. Now we want to start a chart like on The L Word. We are waiting till college for that one because none of us are getting any sex at the moment.

I have a theory behind all of our friend's homosexuality. Young kids tend to flock to people that are like themselves when making friends. Children don't think about diversity. I think that subconsciencely when we were all kids, before we really knew we were all gay, that we found each other because we sensed the inner gayness within us all. I am probably full of shit, but I think it's a fun theory.

K's Advice Blog

2005-05-02T14:48:00.000-07:00

My yoga instructor, K, has decided that she is going to give me one piece of advice each week at yoga until I go to college. This post is dedicated to the listing of her advice.

3/7
1) Never have more than one credit card, unless you are stupid and actually want debt

3/11
2) Don't give up on your father, even if he is an asshole. One day you will want him in your life.

3/18
3) Never go to the Quack Shack (college health center) for a Pap Smear. I went once and it made me bleed for two weeks. I don't know what the hell they did down there.

3/25---I received a lot of advice today
4) Don't have kids---just don't!

5) Enjoy your college experience and don't decide on a major to quick. Try new things and have fun because after college life sucks.

6) Before you start dating someone and especially before you hook up, ask what year that person was born. They could say they are a junior and be a junior in high school not college.

7) NEVER date anyone who was in the war! They are fucked up in the head.

8) Don't drink too much beer. More importantly, just don't get caught.

9) Get a good digital camera and take tons of pictures.

3/28
10) Never marry anyone you would date in college. You date the 'bad' people in college who are fun, yet not marriage material.

4/8
11) Go to Victoria's Secret and buy a Very Sexy Bra; it will give you clevage.---I am doubting this. I have a physical issue I like to call 'armpit boob.' My breasts are very far apart and they are barely a B cup, therefore no amount of padding and underwire could push them far enough for me to have clevage. However, I'll try it.

4/18
12) If you get crappy service at a restuarant, instead of not leaving a tip and appearing like a dumbass who forgot, leave spare change. It make a person feel real crappy if they only receive a nickle and two pennys.

4/25
13) Don't hope for fate if you know what you want. Just get it yourself.

14) Don't marry anyone with a crazy mother. Mother-in-laws suck already, there's no need to make it worse.

5/2
15) Spend half, Save half

Alice Complex cured?

2005-04-30T02:54:00.000-07:00

If anyone has the "Alice Complex" it's me, but I really feel myself more and more leaning towards women. It kind of hit me on Thursday at work while I was talking with 2 of my female co-workers. Not that I was attracted to them, but more of an emotional magnetism per se. Like there is a deeper bond that's possible between women and myself. It feels like this natural pull. For the longest time I wasn't sure if it was just a physical attraction to females or if there was something more---after all you can't base a real relationship off of just sex. Some people can, but I am more the type that wants to wrap my arms around someone while watching a movie. Grant it, I love the female body. Women are so beautiful with their curves, breasts and overall softness. All women, even the most butch, have that softness that is so alluring. So it's not just a physical thing anymore, there's something naturally inside that is saying, "Hey Charlie, you really want a girl to love and take care of."

I am finding myself getting jealous of all the annoying straight couples I see walking around Sears. I see the ugly guy holding the beautiful girl's hand and I just think,"God, why can't I have that?!" That and, to kill the cheesey-ness of this post, I am really fucking horny. It's bad; I haven't been kissed in nearly 2 years and the lack of physical attention is wearing me down. I am scared I might pounce on the first person I meet in college. eek!

Prom Drama

2005-04-29T01:05:00.000-07:00

My Senior Prom is this Saturday and my friends are all pissed off. This chick N decided to invite a huge group of people to go eat together...which is fine. I figured it would be people of The Group, however. The Group is the bunch that I have been hanging out with since we were all 12. I really wanted to spend my last high school dance with them. N didn't invite The Group per se...she invited a bunch of Drama Club people and some Juniors that I've spoken to only a handful of times---then some of The Group. I don't want to be with all those people. I am shy in large groups especially when they are of people I don't care to talk with in the first place.

Another issue is that one of the Drama Club people, MJ, is the ex-crush of my date, C. He and C have an odd relationship: MJ whines, C deals with it and gets nothing in return. Plus C was/is in love with him so it's just weird. If C and I were to go with everyone to eat we would meet up with MJ and his date. C would get pissed off, then I would get pissed off due to him being upset, then everyone would get pissed off because C and I have a nack for expanding our dark cloud. So C and I decided to ditch everyone and do our own thing. My good friend A agreed with us and decided to come along not telling her date that they were ditching everyone.

The Drama begins...

A's date Matt wanted to go with the huge group. A is the type of demanding dominant woman that is going to have her way and Matt knows this, so he didn't question. However, he is upset. Now N is pissed off because she can't have Matt at her gathering. And frankly, I am really fucking pissed off because apparently no one gives a shit, by no one I mean N, if C,A, and I are there. It never got questioned when we said we weren't going, but if Matt can't go a fit is to be thrown.

I am even more angry that I got pulled into this dramatic bullshit in the first place. Why does it all matter? Everyone is getting all flustered over this stupid matter of where we are all going to eat. Who cares? If certain people do their own thing then so be it.

There is so much drama within the walls of high school; I am so glad to be out of it.

My Name Sucks

2005-04-25T16:19:00.000-07:00

I've decided I really don't like my name:

Haley Marie Schmidt

1) It just doesn't flow. It's so bam, bam, bam.

2) Marie is one of the most common middle names. It's up there with Jane, Renee, Elizabeth, Nicole, Anne, and lynn. Those names that just aren't great enough to be a good first name so parents just stick them in the middle because they can't whip up any creativity after shoving a baby out.

3) Haley just sounds so 'little girl' to me. It isn't a strong CEO name. What makes it worse is that it was the most popular baby name of either '99 or '00. So there are loads of 5 year old girls running around with my name. Now I'm the old hag with a little girl name. I'm in Sears and I hear,"Haley get your butt back over here!!!" Then I'm turning around like,"What, what, why is someone yelling at me!?"

4) All those 5 year old girls are ugly. I think I've met 2 other Haley's that were cute. It makes me question my own cuteness and that's just sad.

5) Haley means "Hay Meadow." Enough said.

6) What's worse than having a last name that rhymes with shit.

These are the names I am considering for my own children in say 12 years:

Jissai Atticus (boy)--Jissai is an old Buddhist monk name, Atticus is from To Kill a Mockingbird, a book I never finished (hehe)

Ainn Reece-pronounced ay-N (boy)--stole it from a TV channel abreviation AIN, I've no idea what it stood for

Eila Brianne-pronounced I-la (girl)--Eila is also an old Buddhist monk name, Brianne is my older sister's name

I think these names kick ass. Strong, different, but not so different that the kid would get made fun of.

Some Boys

2005-04-24T22:48:00.000-07:00

Wow, I just got off the phone with my friend J.E. I worry about that boy. He is so naive. He is telling me about going to LA to audition for some kind of record contract and I can just see those people screwing him over. He would take anything no matter what the fine print said. Not only that, if he goes and is successful he won't be going to college. Now I have conflicting concerns about this. 1) he needs college to show him the real world because he doesn't know anything. Get this, C and I had to give him a sex talk recently due to him not even knowing that women had orgasms. He thought women were just kind of there as the men had their way. What's that about?! 2) If he doesn't go to college I won't have to worry about him ending up at the University of Texas with me. UT is his second choice because it has a great Arts program...I don't want him there. I don't want the pressure of having to hold his innocent hand down The Drag and dealing with his astonishment when he sees the cross-dressing, pot-smoking, homeless man walking his way. I don't want to hear his disapproval if he finds out about any flings I might have or of any nights I spend at the gay clubs. I simply don't want to deal with it. Austin is too crazy a place for him to live comfortably.

My friend J came down from Massachusettes last Wednesday. He looked very nice. He has lost weight, which he was skinny before but now he's model-esq. His hair was shorter as well---bbefore he left the hair made him look like Tarzan it was so long. We had a blast. A and I hogged his visit. He got in around 12:30 and A picked him up. I met up with them at 1:30 and we hung out together until 4. At 4 we met with The Group at Denny's. The Group only had him for one hour. HAH! We went to lunch and chatted about his friends and girlfriend and politics (my friends have a skill for turning any conversation into one about politics or religon). He said his girlfriend reminded him of myself. I felt very special after that comment.

J's Coming Home

2005-04-17T13:55:00.000-07:00

My old friend J, is coming down to Texas from Massachusettes on Wednesday. I haven't seen him in 2 years...I am seriously excited. J was one of those weird kids that was a yuppie at age 12. He dressed in slacks and a button-down shirt most of the time and in jogging shorts a t-shirt and sandals every other time. He is a vegetarian, or at least was before he left. The last book I saw him read was War and Peace in the middle of our Pre-Cal class sophomore year. If I picture him as an adult I see him on a laptop in some bohemian cafe dressed in a suit with birkenstocks and his hair in a ponytail. He was a special guy and I loved making fun of him---he was just so easy. We had a sarcastic relationship. And the people that I am the most sarcastic with are the people I care most about.

I can't wait to see him!

Hair, Dresses, and Arrows

2005-04-16T00:09:00.000-07:00

I got my hair done the other day. It is now layered and is dark fuschia-ish red with random black highlights. I look hot.

I also bought my prom dress. It's got a 30's feel to it. I got it from a vintage store in Houston called Wish for $35. In all my prom outfit including jewelry and shoes, cost $120. Hell Yes for being cheap!! Most people spend more than that on the dress alone. But those same people buy those typical grotesque dresses that are so...well...PROM. *see above dress* They are all made out of that taffeta (I think it's called)fabric that makes me want to vomit. I like the fact that both of my Junior and Senior year prom dresses could and probably will be worn again, because they don't look like nasty prom dresses. My dress is knee length with some shorter length pieces as well. It's spaghetti straped and the bodice is a black lace with a fleshy-gold color under it. I have a red choker necklace and a long red necklace with red dangly earrings. The prom theme is "Moulin Rouge;" I fittingly look like a French whore. I like that!

On the down-side of things, I no longer get to be certified in archery for my summer camp that I will be a counselor at. I found out that I have my high school graduation ceremony on May 27th which is also the day I am supposed to be at camp to get certified. Even more unfortunate is that I have to be at camp the next day at 8 AM to get certified for riflery. Camp is 3 hours away...meaning my after-grad partying will have to be cut short so I can get a bit of sleep before I arise at the ass-crack of dawn to get to camp. Damn that is going to suck.

Gyno

2005-04-09T02:00:00.000-07:00

I have to get a physical before I go to camp in May. Since I am turning 18 in June, I figured I would kill 2 birds with 1 stone and go to the gynecologist for my physical. I have never had my vagina looked at by anyone but myself, so naturally I am a little apprehensive.

I decided that there is no way in Hell that I'll go to a male gynecologist. In my town that is difficult because there are only 3 female ones. I called one--the one I want--and she's booked till June; that is too late for me. I haven't tried the others yet.

See, I have this theory about gynecologists. The male gynos got into it because they were pervs in college and thought it would be awesome to look at pussy all day. Now of course they have received the karmic slap in the face by having to look at sick, diseased vagina a good half of the time. The female gynos got into it because they are female and know what it's like to be poked and how uncomfortable it is. They seek to make their patients more comfortable for the good of womankind. This is why I refuse to see a male. That and I just really don't want some creepy guy the same age as my bastard father looking at my vagina. It's weird!

Which L Word member Are You?

2005-04-06T13:32:00.000-07:00

You are Alice!

You are femme and very talkative. You are very
oppinionated and artistic. You are bisexual
and can't figure out which one to be with...you
feel the need to choose one sex over the other
being the better. You want to find love and
get frustrated with concept. Slow down, enjoy
life, and have fun....and try not to be a
chatter box!

Which L Word cast member are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Big shocker here!

Sigh

2005-04-06T13:01:00.000-07:00

I seriously hate knowing that I am probably going to have to wait until college to figure my sexually confused self out. I mean, it is practically all I think about. It makes me wonder, "Does everybody go through this?" It makes me mad at M, because before her all was fine. That day that I looked into her eyes my whole world changed. Like all those years I thought I was straight were erased and replaced with not stop thoughts of women. Men don't really attract me anymore, there's the occasional one, but mostly I just stare at girls now. Yet, I have these days where I think, "God, I am such a les," and other days where I am not so sure.

There's a quote from The L Word where Shane says, "Most girls are straight until they're not." Is that true? I ponder that quote a lot because that is my exact situation. If I had never seen M, would I still be positively straight, or would it have just taken another girl at another time to...I don't know...arouse my homosexuality?

I don't care which way I end up, I just wish I knew.

Feeling Crappy

2005-04-05T12:10:00.000-07:00

Uhg, I have been feeling like shit lately. I don't know why exactly. Part of it I suppose has somthing to do with feeling like there is no one for me to talk to. Normally I would talk to either R or C, but my problems at the moment deal with an issue neither of them are good at talking about--fathers.

C's, father kicked him out of the house at age 16 because he was gay. C wishes he had a relationship with his dad, so my bitching about mine being a bastard really just pisses him off because I at least have a father in my life. In his eyes it's the "You don't know what you have till it's gone" type thing. So I can't vent to him without feeling guilty or upsetting him.

R's father just died. Enough said.

So it sucks not being able to just scream, "My father is a Bastard!!" and get a hug from one of them afterward.

I guess I am sort of lonely. I need some lovin'.

Back Ache

2005-04-01T09:28:00.000-08:00

My back hurts. About where my kidney is, on the right side, if I bend over a sharp pain occurs. Yoga will be painful today. Although, I always mess up my back, so it's not like this is anything new. In fact, if I go to long without it hurting, I start to get paranoid that maybe something deeper is wrong.

**Happy April Fool's Day**

Charles the Cheapskate

2005-03-29T11:18:00.000-08:00

I am so proud of myself. I have become progressively cheaper with age. That's great because I am going to be dirt ass po' in a couple of months(college). See, I visited Pro-Cuts today. It was the first time I have ever been in a non-private, inexpensive, hair salon since...birth, actually.

Saving has always been something that I have been good at. When I was younger and received an allowance, I would save it till I had $100 and then would get all excited over putting it in my savings account. Ever since I started working at age 16 I have become a royal cheap ass. When it is your own money you are a lot more protective over it. I go grocery shopping and only get the off-brands. I just don't understand why someone would pay $2 more for the same product. Believe me, I do compare ingredients, the stuff is the same. So when it came time to get a hair cut I didn't feel the need to go to my expensive, New York trained hair stylist, because I just needed a trim. I have been growing my hair long so it is not necessary to spend $30 for the edges to get cut. Therefore, I took a risk and went to Pro-Cuts for a $9.95 trim. It actually turned out okay, however one can't really screw up a trim. I think it is good that I am doing cheaper things; you feel better afterward because you haven't wasted money.

Big bucks will always be spent on certain materials in my life though. I have to have the expensive shoes, jeans, and a regular CD fix. The expensive shoe of choice is of course the Birkenstock. I feel Birks are more of an investment. They last for years and you can always get new soles and cork bottoms put in for a low price. The jeans have to be Lucky. Sure they are $80 but frankly no other jean fits me right. Trust me, I have tried to find a cheaper brand but it is impossible. Those last for a long time as well and I only buy a new pair of jeans every 2 years or so anyway. The CD thing, yeah that is an addiction. I get a new CD, over listen to it, kill it, then buy a new one. It's a never-ending cycle. Yet, the new music store in town is making my addiction less of a problem. Mr. Cheapo's has CD's for $3, so I can load up and only spend the price I would have paid for one CD. Yea for that!

Pin-up Girls

2005-03-28T22:31:00.000-08:00

I have a new love for vintage pin-up girls. They are so classically sexy.

Ahh, smoke

2005-03-28T15:03:00.000-08:00

I still feel like shit from my mother's comment. I have even been smoking for the past three days. Usually I don't smoke unless I am drinking. The taste a cigarette leaves in your mouth is disgusting, yet when I feel like shit it's better than cookies.

After yoga this morning I took a shower and then laid on my bed. About 2 minutes after that, my father tells me to turn my music down so we can talk. He can see me on my bed covered with a blanket (I'm naked underneath) from down the stairs. I tell him "okay," then he screams like a wild serial killer,"I SAID turn it OFF!!!" I tell him,"Then go away so I can put clothes on to do it." Next he goes on this rant about how I should have already been dressed. Stupid Fucker thought I was just waking up for the day. I haven't gotten up at noon in about a year. I throw clothes on, turn the music off, and go downstairs because we are apparently going to talk. I sit in a chair and wait. He just starts to prepare his lunch and sits down to eat. I thought the Bastard wanted to talk...guess not. I return to my bedroom. Later he actually apologizes for yelling. That was a shocker. I felt like telling him, "Yeah, now apologize for being a shitty father, you bastard."

My mother told me she wanted to talk to me before I went to yoga this morning. When I got home from yoga she was gone, much to my relief. I am scared to talk. What does she want to talk about...how living in this house is driving me insane and turning me into a nicotine addict?! Whatever, she called a minute ago; I guess she is coming home.

Great, now I want another cigarette.

Cut Off

2005-03-26T23:39:00.000-08:00

So my mother gets me up this morning an hour before I had planned to wake up. As everyone but my mother knows, that is my biggest pet peave (sp?). Nothing else will make me as angry and pissy as that. However, I know if I speak in such situation I am likely to say something I will regret...so I don't talk, I just unload the dishwasher like she asked. Then she tells me, "You know, if you keep ignoring your father you are going to be cut off." I say, "That's funny, I thought I already was." Then I go back to bed.

I wake up again, in a terrible mood and my mood worsens while at work. The mood worsens because I am pondering what my mother said to me. What does she mean? Do I have to play nice to my father so I can live in this house for another 2 months? Is this his threat or hers? I know he isn't going to drop a dime towards my education, but is she backing out as well just because the man has heard maybe 5 words out of my mouth for the past week? Why the fuck am I being punished in this situation!? He's the adult, I am the child here, yet I am the one expected build a relationship that hasn't existed since I was born. Fuck that! All I do is not talk, because everytime I do say anything he makes me feel like shit. I am sick of putting up with that. And now I feel like my mother is turning on me as well, even if she is just passing his message along. If he is pissed that I am not speaking to him, maybe he should say something to me about it. Threatening to cut me off only makes the problem worse, it only makes me hate him more, which is why I don't speak to him in the first place. Or is he just too stupid to comprehend how that links?

About a year ago he actually told my mother that he wanted to leave us. Keyword 'us' not just 'her.' The only reason he didn't go is because he couldn't afford it. How pathetic is that? I wish he would have gone. I don't want him in my life. As a matter of fact I don't even want him to pay for college because I don't want to know that he helped me get my degree. I don't want him in my future kid's lives either.

What I hate even more than him is that we are a lot alike. We are both stubborn, sarcastic, pessimistic, and have a hard time showing emotion towards others. The big difference however, is that I have worked on the last one. I actually have the ability to express that I care about someone unlike his heartless fucked-up self. I never want to treat my children like he has treated me. My kids are going to know everyday of their lives that I love them.

I am so upset that I am in this hole of emotion where I can't even cry about it. I want to cry, crying makes me feel better, but it just won't happen.

Nothing

2005-03-24T12:00:00.000-08:00

Mother and her friend S, are working on wedding corsages at the moment. Another friend of hers and my sister will be coming over soon for lunch and to help make more wedding stuff. I love when people come over because then the house is clean and I am not the one to have to do it. It's so great.

Work has slowly become more fun. I have made friends with a lot of my co-workers so I have people to talk to instead of having to sit quietly in my lonesome cage dubbed the Sears Cashwrap.

I don't have much to say today; nothing has been going on. However,I am excited I get to attend a kickboxing class today at the gym. I haven't been in about 2 weeks thanks to work. It's fun to pretend you are kicking some bitch's ass. So Yea for that!

Talk with Mom & the Parents

2005-03-21T00:52:00.000-08:00

My best friend C's mother is a lesbian. I myself being of the questionable nature, have really wanted to talk with her about it. I wanted to know when she first knew she was a lesbian and what made it click in her head--- that "oh I'm gay" lightbulb. It took some ovaries to get up the nerve to ask because I was afraid that she would be offended by my asking. We (mom and I) were both on the couch at C's house while watching Blue Collar Comedy ---which I hate by the way because rednecks do not need to be supported. Jeff Foxworthy started randomly talking about gay men, what about I am not sure because I was pondering my question, and I thought "Hey here is the link into my gay inquiry!" Since you can't just pop up and ask questions, there needs to be a link from something or it sounds like it is something you have been thinking about for a long time---which I have, but didn't want it to sound that way.

I said (in a meek tone), "Mom, may I ask you a personal question?" She nodded. "When did you first know and how did it click in your head that you were a lesbian?" She then started answering very calmly to me like my question was no big deal.

It was very comforting to be able to talk with an adult about a personal topic and not receive a weird response. She told me that she felt she was in high school but didn't go into it because it was looked down upon by her parents. She said she was sure about it at the end of her marriage though it had nothing to do with her divorce. Then she asked me,"Do you think you are gay?" I told her I didn't know. Finally she told me basically what I wanted to hear from a lesbian,"Have fun with it and just experience things. There is no need to rush into trying to figure it out."

I love that I have someone like Mom in my life. There is no other person I would have been able to ask that. Sure I have loads of gay male friends but women and men are different. In lots of stories I have read by gay men and lesbians it seems that most of the time men find out they are homosexual at a very early age, women seem to figure it out in their late teens or even twenties---therefore I needed to ask a lesbian my question.

Then...

I go to my house with C to watch The L Word. We only get Showtime on the TV downstairs thanks to me switching the cable packages while the parents were on a cruise. So I had to kick the parents out of the living room to the guest room upstairs with the smaller TV. They happened to be watching Blue Collar Comedy as well and were unhappy about having to move even though Comedy Central is an available channel on the upstairs TV. As they arose from the couch my mother says very judgementally, "We just want you to know that we don't approve of that show." My father says,"And I want you to switch the packages back to HBO as soon as possible." I say,"I will switch it back as soon as The L Word season is over." He responds in a mean tone,"Then maybe I'll have to do it myself." They walked upstairs together.

I was seriously offended by their comments. They were insulting the show but seemed to be putting down myself as well. It was like, "We know you might be a lesbian and we want you to know we don't approve and this is how we will act if you are gay--rude and distant." The comments and their tone nearly ruined watching the show for me, which is difficult because it is the only thing I look forward to every week. Now that I am writing about it, it still upsets me. C was insulted by it as well. I don't understand their need to be assholes.

Roxy

2005-03-19T09:25:00.000-08:00

My sister's dog Roxy is visiting this weekend. I hate that beast of an animal. She's just like, "I am gonna run amok and act crazy ALL the TIME! I am gonna fuck up your house and jump on everything!!!" That is of course if she could talk. Matters are made worse by the fact that she is a Weimaraner. Weimaraners are huge. We have our own dog in the house as well. My dog Penney is the perfect Boston Terrier. She is small, obedient, fun, and hates that bitch dog even more than I do. Roxy always wants to play with Penney and as soon as Roxy gets close, Penney snaps at her neck.

Penney, I salute you!

30 year old Women

2005-03-18T12:04:00.000-08:00

I have realized I have an admiration for women in their thirties. My favourite person and friend R is 37. I love her. She is the best to talk with because she still has a young spirit, yet has a huge knowledge of the world. I don't consider people to be adults until they have reached their 30's. Most humans are settled down finally when they reach that age, but they aren't far enough away from their party days to become old fogies just yet. Women tend to look their best when they are 30. It is the peak of the aging process before everything starts to sag. My yoga instructor K, is 35. Our yoga class isn't the typical meditative hour that is most yoga classes. Our yoga class is filled with conversation between the 30-ish aged attendees and myself the 17 year old. It is such a joy for me to talk with these women because I aspire to be like them in so many ways. I think 30 year old women are the perfect mentors for young persons like myself, since they aren't in that 40's motherly stage. People my age don't want extra parents, they want a friend who knows everything they don't and is willing to share that wisdom--a 30 year old woman.

Stupid Menthols

2005-03-18T01:46:00.000-08:00

I just got back from a party. My throat hurts from this stupid menthol cigarette. Menthols definately taste better than your regular Marlboro or Camel, but damn do they make your throat hurt.

I saw this girl I used to do theatre with at the party. I am about 3 years older than her. She supposedly use to look up to me and this other chick at the local theatre...probably not anymore. I didn't get real messed up, but she did see me walking around with liquour and a cigarette. Nothing to be ashamed of necessarily.

I am still buzzing. Typing is slightly difficult. I just drank chocolate soymilk to help my throat...it worked a little.

Random thought: It is MARCH so I have officially been a vegetarian for 2 years! Yea for Me!

Ok I am sick of fixing my typos...

Dad's an Asshole

2005-03-14T12:09:00.000-08:00

I fucking despise my father. He is such a bastard...I just want to hit him. For the second time, he has expressed his lack of desire to even help me with college. One he doesn't see why he should and two he just doesn't want to. He actually said he wouldn't mind me never getting a college education and ending up living in a shitty trailer park because then he could come live with me and make my life even more miserable. The sad thing is that he wasn't kidding. I feel like he is taking his anger about his own circumstance (never went to college and now stuck at a job he hates) out on me. Aren't you supposed to want your kids to have better than you did. Is that not a parent's goal. He is constantly putting down the lack of ambition my sister had and when I show up to have just a little he wants to tear it away. I don't understand it at all.

But it's ok, I officially don't live here anymore as of May 27th. Then he can live here miserable with my mother whom he hates just as much if not more. Maybe they will finally get a divorce after I move out. I have wanted them to since I was about 10 years old. How sad is that---to want you parents to divorce. See I am one of those kids who actually bitches about them staying married unlike every other kid who was upset about their parents split. It is really that pathetic between the two of them.

Unnecessary Dream

2005-03-13T15:24:00.000-08:00

Oh my, I had the weirdest dream last night. I was at my friend A's house and we were watching a movie. We were both laying on her bed and then she starts to come on to me! She was tugging at my shirt and giving me those odd "I want to fuck you" looks. I was like "WHAT the FUCK!" Then she takes her shirt off and I was actually on top of her at one point. I then pushed away and the dream ended.

How weird is that? I am not interested in this friend at all. I think that I had this dream because I have been so horny lately and seriously longing for some female loving. She is basically the only girl I have been hanging out with lately, so maybe that is why she was the girl of my dream. I don't know, it definitely was not a dream I wanted her to be a part of.

Peace Corps?

2005-03-12T13:16:00.000-08:00

I have been pondering joining the Peace Corps. These are my reasons:

1) I have such a bitter outlook on life, that perhaps seeing people live in shit would make me more grateful.

2) I am either going to study Nutrition or Alternative Medicine in college and knowledge in either of these fields would be very helpful in a third world country. Especially Nutrition, because I could help malnourished children.

3) It would be a free adventure. I have always wanted to go to Africa or Romania, or South America (all have corps volunteers) and this would be my way to get there. I would get to help others and see a place I have longed to see and probably wouldn't see unless I joined the Corps.

My mother doesn't want me to do it. She worries that I'll contract a disease or get hurt while in some decrepit nation. These are understandable fears but by the time that I joined (age 22 or so) she wouldn't be able to stop me. The thing is, I just don't want to go through life never having done something extreme and huge. The Peace Corps could be my extreme adventure. I see it as a win-win situation. People's lives are bettered by my volunteering, and I am personally bettered by just being there and seeing what they go through and knowing that I helped them.

Mom, Stop Reading!

2005-03-09T12:12:00.000-08:00

Yea I actually put clothes in the washing machine!! I have been telling myself I would do that for days now.

I am worried that my mother has seen this blog. I got on the internet and the history window was open on the side. Meaning, she saw this on the history. Hopefully I am just being paranoid and she didn't read anything. I really hope she didn't, or she is going to be on my ass about certain topics that I don't want to discuss with her or anyone else for that matter(except for net strangers, that's ok).

SO---Mom, if you are reading my blog, BUGGER OFF! It is none of your business.

Pubes

2005-03-08T12:18:00.000-08:00

Note: the above picture is NOT mine, it's a google pic.

I am wondering what the perfect way to trim one's pubic hair is? Like do men prefer it one way and women another? I suppose the best is completely waxed, because yes, hair is gross. Yet, who has the money to wax all the time? Besides, who wants some random person checking out your hairy underside?! Also you can't get by with shaving because you get red bumps and it itches like a bitch down there. My method for the time being, will be just to trim short. In the summer, I think I'll trim and Veet my bikini line. That is unless I figure out something better. This is really perplexing me!

Why the hell do we have hair around our genitals anyway?!

***Happy International Women's Day***

Coffee Table

2005-03-06T20:27:00.000-08:00

I have decided to make a coffee table book titled My Teenage Bullshit. I am going to put the poems I have written over the years (some really good, some total crap) and the drawings I have recently (the past year) been doing. Whether I'll ever get the thing published...I don't know...whether I'll ever actually put this together...not sure? But it is my idea for the moment! I have also decided on the dedication:

To all bullshitters under the age of 20

I think it works. See I want to own a business, coffee shop by day, club by night (by club I mean a place where I'll have local bands play and have random poetry readings). I going to make this business the most stereotypically bohemian, beatnik, hippie, joint possible. It will have big comfy couches that don't match, awesome background music, and the most eclectic collection of coffee table books---including my own. There will also be coffee, tea, cookies, and sandwiches all in a cozy atmosphere. I get all excited just thinking about it. I seriously hate being 17 when I think about future goals. I want to start on them now, but I have so much other shit to do before I'll have the ability. Why can't I skip ahead a little?! That Sucks!

Questions

2005-03-06T13:55:00.000-08:00

I am sitting with my sister in my room yesterday while she is making flowers for her wedding. I begin to do henna (indian semi-permanent ink) on my wrist. I decided to do the female sign, you know the circle with a cross coming out of it. My sister says, "People are really going to start questioning(in reference to sexuality) you with you being so feminist."

I tell her that that doesn't bother me because people have been questioning me for about a year and a half now.

Then she asks,"So are you gay or straight?"

I go,"Umm, I don't know." She pries for a bit, then finally, I tell her, "I don't know whether I prefer girls or boys or want both. I am sorry if you are disappointed, but I am trying to figure it out, that is why I haven't been too enthusiastic about dating boys lately. I don't think it is fair to be with someone when you don't know what you want."

She tells me that she just hopes I end up with a boy.

What I am really sick of is people telling me what my sexuality is. I have my sister telling me I like dick. I have a friend Ric telling me I am a total les. And I have my friend C saying that he could see me go either way. Why do people have to constantly probe me with labels expecting me to just pick one in a second without even thinking about it? I wasn't even sexually confused until last May or so. I actually felt I had finally figured myself out as a person, was of an adult mind, had grown...but then everyone made me look even deeper within and now I don't have a fucking clue!! C coming out, me getting a horrid crush on a chick M, and everyone asking me questions is just too much and not what I had expected my 17th year of life to be like. I want to go to college so I can experiment with people and have them not expect a relationship, like in this stupid town. I want people to cut out the questioning, so I can find the answers to my own questions.

2005-03-01T15:37:00.000-08:00

I just got back from visiting a new and totally awesome store that is actually in my shit town. It is called Mr. Cheapo's; it has movies and CDs for dirt cheap prices. For example, I just purchased 5 CDs for $12!! How amazing is that!? Finally I can not feel bad for going on CD buying sprees! The CDs are so cheap because Mr. Cheapo sells a burned copy. You pick out the CDs you want, take them to the counter, then wait about 5 minutes for them to burn, and only pay $3 a CD. It's great! Now I don't feel so guilty about burning because I am actually paying at least a little bit of cash. They have a great selection there as well. The 5 CDs I got I never would have found at the corporate music places in my town. I always have to order my music off of Amazon.com.

I excitedly purchased:

Ani Di Franco--Evolve
Ani Di Franco--So Much Shouting, So Much Laughter I & II
Lamb--Fear of Fours
PJ Harvey--Is This Desire?

Ani DiFranco Rocks!

2005-02-25T15:19:00.000-08:00

I downloaded some Ani DiFranco music off Limewire at C's house yesterday. God that woman is amazing! Not only is she unbelievably sexy, she is an extraordinary musician, and extremely intelligent.

She has this one slam poem I downloaded that talks about the two towers and bitches about GWBush and the government. Damn that woman has some political anger. I admire her ability to just say what she wants and not give a shit what anyone thinks.

I am hoping to see her perform, maybe she'll have a concert in Texas sometime soon. She does have a new CD, so perhaps...

*crosses fingers*

2005-02-25T01:29:00.000-08:00

Gay Bear

Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Damn even a stupid quiz site thinks I am gay. Jeez..

Yard Work and a Senorita

2005-02-25T00:02:00.000-08:00

I actually did yard work yesterday. It was one of those things where, you know it needs to be done, but unless you do it, it'll never get done. So I did it. I cleaned out seven flower beds. I hacked away and pulled up probably a billion weeds. Then I beat the soil into soft-ness. The yard looks nice now; I am proud of it. Plus my father said he would lend the cash to buy plants for all the holes where we need plants. Yea for me not having to squeeze out the cash!

I was written up at work today. I was in the cash register area and it was really slow so about 5 other employees were standing around the area chatting. Well this woman and her child were standing behind some Sears people and then this man walks up past the Sears people to check out. Turns out the woman in the back needed help and got ignored on accident. She went to complain at the office and started crying because she felt she was ignored because she is Hispanic. Therefore the 5 other employees and myself got written up for ignoring a customer plus the racial issue was thrown in as well. Come on! Like 70% of the people in my town are Mexican, if I were prejudice against people of Mexican decent I wouldn't be able to get through daily life.

Dirty Parents

2005-02-23T10:57:00.000-08:00

My parent's have been home from the cruise for a few days now. They frustrate me. While they were gone I was so relaxed. I didn't have to call home if I went somewhere; I never had to ask for permission. It is not like I went on this rebellious spree during their absence, it was just nice to be completely independent. Also, the house is never as clean with them around. I had the house spotless and shining; I mean you could smell the Windex--I have recently been going crazy with Windex ever since I got back from visiting my friend R who was like the Queen of Windex. Well, when they returned (Sunday) it took until Tuesday for their suitcase and dirty clothes mess to go away--with my help of course. See I don't mind cleaning, I just don't like cleaning other people's mess. I, now 17, was yelled at for about 12 years to pick up my stuff from around the house. I finally have learned. They, ages 47 and 49, have yet to learn their own lesson!

I just don't get it!

A new Cashier

2005-02-21T08:46:00.000-08:00

So I work at Sears. Sears isn't a very hip place, in fact I can list the 3 types of people who actually go there on a regular basis"

1. 1st generation Mexican immigrants that don't speak English and only pay in $100's

2. The Omish

3. Bitchy, retired, white women

Now I know it is wrong to categorize people, but this little list is accurate for about 90% of the Sears customers in my town.

The people that work at Sears are interesting as well but for the most part decent, cool people. For a $5.90 an hour job, Sears is not a bad place to work.

HOWEVER,

we have a new cashier as of yesterday. This chick Rob, is one of those disgusting human beings that make you go "Woof!" at the sight of them. The thing is, there is nothing wrong per se about being ugly and greasy, but most people who make you gag at the sight of them have some sort of redeeming personality trait that make them OK to be around. Rob lacks that trait. Not only is she hard to look at, one can't listen to her either. She is ignorant about the world, and acts stupidly in it. I didn't make this judgement just from looking at her after one day. I worked with her for a week when I worked at the YMCA After School Program. That was not a fun week mind you. I am hoping she'll do something stupid and get fired because I don't want to work with her until May. Finding a new job is an option, but finding employment that pays a little over minimum wage in my town, is a bit difficult.

Uhg, if she would just wash her hair and not speak...

Damn Sexuality

2005-02-20T23:37:00.000-08:00

I think I am going through a lesbian phase. I am not sure really if it is a phase or if I am actually gay or bisexual. This phase is seriously frustrating and it needs to stop. This is how it started:

All last year I was questioned by people. This is what started my self-sexuality examination. Then this year my best friend C told me he was gay. I don't know, but something about him coming-out brought this inner openness for myself to think about sexuality. I never had allowed myself to really think about it before in terms of myself.

Then the big kicker: I am in school, standing in front of class and I look at this girl, M, and fireworks explode in my body. I couldn't help but smile at the sight of her. Just looking at her caused my heart to beat unbelieveably fast and made my stomach all swirly. She was just so beautiful. I didn't know what to do with these feelings, I had never felt that way even with a guy. When this happened, I seriously started questioning. I began to reflect on feelings I specifically remembered pushing away when I was a kid. Such as when my sister was in a dance team, there was a girl I would stare at. I was about 10 or 11, and she was probably 16...god she was hot.

So now I am allowing myself to be open about homosexual feelings that I could possibly have. Instead of pushing it away, I am embracing. Yet, I still don't quite understand these feelings. Throughout my life, I think I have strived to be different. This isn't a good thing...to want to be unique. So that is why I feel like I am going through a lesbian 'phase.' I know I think women are attractive, but I don't know if I would ever do any sexual acts with a women because I have never been in that situation.

OR...
Maybe I should stop over analyzing myself and just wait this out until college when I'll actually have sexual opportunities. hmm

The L Word & Porn

2005-02-19T12:51:00.000-08:00

My week is still going wonderfully except the dread I have of my parents coming home on Sunday. I really wish they would just buy a little villa in Mexico and stay there. I have never been more relaxed---they are gone, the house is clean---it is so peaceful.

Sunday is exciting for one reason however. The season premiere of The L Word is on Sunday and I had my digital cable switched yesterday so my TV now picks up Showtime. The parents don't know I did this, but they will probably figure it out fairly quick when they notice that HBO is gone. : Oh, well, I really don't care if I get in trouble, I just want to see my show. What are they going to do....Yell at me? Who gives a shit?

I am throwing a porn party tonight with a group of friends. I love porn and all things sexual. I swear my dream job is taking the place of Sue Johannson on Talk Sex when she retires. Sadly I am still a virgin, but in theory I am very educated. Anyway, the party will be loads of fun. Everyone is required to bring a suggestive food, while I am providing the main course of hotdogs and tacos. I'll update later on how the party went.

A Cruise & A Million Dollar Baby

2005-02-15T11:18:00.000-08:00

My parents are on a cruise and won't get back until Sunday---this is awesome because I get to live in a spotlessly clean house for an entire week. My parents are slobs and, while they don't like living in filth, they are too tired to clean up their own messes, therefore, I, the neat freak, get stuck cleaning.

Yesterday was my first day to be by myself; it was the best Valentine's Day ever! I went to yoga, visited my sister, saw Million Dollar Baby (alone), went to kickboxing, then took care of my miserable friend C while watching the uneventful movie, Slyvia.

Million Dollar Baby: God, it was amazing. I made you want to get up and help Maggie, Hilary Swank's character, kick some bitch ass. I haven't seen the Oscar nominees yet, but I hope Hilary Swank is a contender, however this movie may have come out to late for nomination. It is very much a girl power film. You fall in love with Maggie the moment you meet her and you fight with her throughout the film. However the ending is a big tear jerker. I don't cry easily, and I balled for the last 45 minutes. It is a great movie of female strength, but it doesn't let you down at the end like G.I. Jane , Maggie is a fighter to the end of the film. Hilary Swank also looks really hot in the film, so it has depth and eye candy. ****

I'm Listening To: 20 second snipets of random Ani DiFranco CD's, courtesy of amazon.com. I just saw Ani on Jay Leno the other night, she is definately the most naturally beautiful woman I have ever seen.

2005-02-09T15:18:00.000-08:00

So my Dad just got back from putting our dog down. Well that is actually the nice way of phrasing it. In actuality he took him to my grandpa's land and shot him with a pistol. That sounds so 'hickish' but frankly getting the veterinarian to do it is way to expensive. It is sad that the dog, "Pete," is dead now but in his case it is a good thing. The past two weeks he hasn't eaten anything; he has just laid in the garage. He was deaf, blind, and had arthritic paws. It was really a blessing for him to (this reads so brutally) get shot than to starve and be miserable in the garage.

New Psychiatrist

2005-02-08T11:53:00.000-08:00

So, I just set this up and I hope it will be fun. I feel like I need a place where I can just talk to ultimate strangers. It's like a free psychiatrist! Seems neat to me.